This is by a fellow blogger from Canada. Listening to this hit a nerve with me. I've been facing a gut wrenching low for the past month ever since I returned from the MDF (Manic depression fellowship) Conference full of gleam and hope for my future (may I point out not a high or hypomanic outburst). I just want to be left alone and sleep excessivley and do not want to face the world and any responsiblites. I want to change I am sick and tired of feeling like this. I've had all the therapy and educated myself with the illness but I can't seem to motivate myself. When I say Can't its more of a question of do I want to step into the real world, beyond my talk radio, bed and flat. I do go the shops when I feel it necessary but living with my Aunt, Grandma and Uncle takes away the burden of wasting away because when I sleep for 12 hours or beyond they are the ones to talk me out of bed to eat and take my pills. This has happened numourous times within the past month. Sometimes I'll just take my pills after a 12 hours sleep because I feel that is all everyone cares about and fall asleep and wake up earlier but numb.
Even these close relationships aggravate me and I get irritable easily. I left my family home in a hypomanic episode and literally moved in with them. I do enjoy the fact I mostly get to be on my own and having my own room helps and maybe I am okay with living here but when I lose my temper I want to go back home but because I am in a comfort zone here because all my belongings are here I retract that feeling.
I find myself neglecting my hygiene. Truth be told I've slipped into a routine of showering once a week and even that is a struggle. I've not had the energy to go on this forum either. Last night I took to writing how I felt which seems to take off some of the low self esteem and depression. It's not like I hate myself or my life. It's comfortable. I don't have any responsibilities. I've come to terms with the diagnosis and have accepted it's a part of me. I get told to think positively, go to the gym lose some weight because I am becoming overweight. And in mind I want to do those things, feel nature, live a more active and fulfilling life but I have no flight to do this nor fight left within me. I'd much rather sleep and hide away. I'm not feeling sorry for myself nor wallowing in self pity. It's just something I haven't been able to come out of for the past 4 weeks. My medication works for me, it has done for 5years. (150mg XL Seroquel). I have even become a member of MDF in the little time I discovered the group a couple of months ago and do intend to go to the self help groups.
I know I have come along way since last year but I just want to not be low. I do have support networks and have taught my family how to deal better with me through the help of MDF literature. My friends understand me but It's like I feel helpless. I have the ideas but no action to help myself. I don't even know if there is a point to this. I was meant to post a link to an interview but I've just poured my guts out on how I've been feeling for a long time. I can't meet simple targets, simple goals I mean how long will I live like this before it's been 2 years and I'm still stuck in this rut. I don't hate being Bipolar when it's good to me and helps me write and do positive things but when it rips into my simple everyday life...that hurts.
It's not made me into the person who lives like everybody else who has no mental health issues. Instead it's took me upon this journey and way of living that effects every single thing I do from getting up in the morning to the way I think and feel. It is a hindrance in every aspect. Not only to me but the people around me. Like before Bipolarity was ever mentioned I never used to get this Low. This is a Low only seen & felt amongst fellow Bipolar sufferers. So what do I do? Is it fair to say that this is the way things are and will be at times. Like I can't escape it because it is part of the illness and diagnosis. Its a crippling low.
I guess this post should be in two separate posts but I do feel a connection with what the interviewee feels. This has just been building up for a while now.
Creativity. The embers in your mind that catch fire and ignite into a vacuum of thoughts and ideals unlike anything witnessed before. It uses ones vision and imagination to create history. It is a glittering lure. There's the rare occasion when the human psyche can be engaged on a level beyond the norm. If they have a sentimental bond with a product for example. The most important idea in life is something new and fresh. It creates an itch. You simply put your ideals and way of thinking and plant it into someone else's mind. Creative passion, understanding and commitment. We all are created differently and live in a world of innovation. In our daily lives we attain to better ourselves and the world around us. It may be in the line of a new career, becoming better in our education. So many fervent examples can be used. To remove road blocks in our life, to achieve and get far more satisfaction, performance and productivity and profit out of yourselves.
Creative minds create opportunity. It aligns a deeper bond with your own originality. It’s a delicate power but potent. This creativity we so openly talk about and see in our daily lives takes ideas based on nostalgia or in Greek (the pain of an old wound) and adds to it; which in turn create this passion for something new and innovated. We delve into our sub conscience and etch out something beautiful. Hypergraphia the sudden urge to write can be an example of a impulsive and overwhelming factor which attributes to creativity. Furthermore free writing can be used as a technique to collect initial thoughts that can be added to on a certain topic of choice which may produce a certain wave of creativity. Creative writing and create thinking are two terms we learn about in our early years at school which prepare use for the world out there. The whole idea of ficition writing takes place within the realms of creativity. Without its presence, the embodiment of literature would be a quiet and lacklustre place. Yet it is ever growing where writers create and introduce us to a charming and strange planet of thoughts and feeling that we may connect with.
We see creativity all around us today in many fields. In advertising, fashion & technology. Every single aspect of our modern way of living requires creativity. It is an incredibly powerful and life changing phenomenon, that without it our lives would be merely the same. It uses individualism and separates us from the masses and creates a whole new world within a world. In Art, Music and Film a world which hinges upon the creative souls and minds of its followers and architects is the best example of living and breeding creativity. The world is ever changing. Science and its presence is being felt more so than ever. Technology and social media are being the catalysts in excelling all aspects of our lives. The internet, television and mass media produce the ability to live in a world without any boundaries.
In the 1989 film ‘Dead poets society’, there is a poignant quote which describes the power and presence of creativity.
John Keating: ‘ We don't read and write poetry because it's cute. We read and write poetry because we are members of the human race. And the human race is filled with passion. And medicine, law, business, engineering, these are noble pursuits and necessary to sustain life. But poetry, beauty, romance, love, these are what we stay alive for.’
After an inspiring and emotional day at the Manic Depressive Fellowshipconference, hearing, seeing and meeting such wonderful people with Bipolar ( I had not met anyone with the condition since my diagnosis in 2006 & only joined Manic Depressive Fellowship in April) I was deeply touched. On the way home to Manchester on the train something from within inspired me to write my thoughts of the day and the future of Bipolar for each and every single one of us. I have entitled it: The Bipolar Souls
Something strange and beautiful is happening. A veil is being lifted. The veneer of this condition I once ridiclued as a disease is no more. It is a blessing in the most bejewelled of disguises. What I viewed as my complete failure at attempting to fulfil a successful life has now been set right. Justice has been restored. Meeting such gifted, warm and tender people has hit a very fine nerve ending that goes from the human mind to the human heart. Not just any human heart but ones of a special kind. You could use the term bipolar souls. Such divine and intricate people, so elegantly poised who possess something unique & refined. They have the most eloquent of qualities and on their faces remains etched a story each personal to their own hearts and minds.
When they utter their subsequent plight as to what led them to such a dark place you only have to see with your heart because your heart is the eyes to the soul. Their soul. Our soul. The bipolar soul. What led me to solitude and seldom peace, what black disease marred my soul is now a thing of the past. For now I see beyond the dark days. The dog days are now over...I..I hope yet I learnt today that there is no cure..no magical pill so for now restoring my mind to its previous state of stability is a thought left pondering without.
Today of all days..today the day I craved for, for the past 5 years became real. Understanding, knowledge and wisdom can only be attained when the time is right. Think of it like a Rite of the bipolar passage. Living and loving a 'normal' life of 17 years and having that snatched away from you and never being restored ever again was a bleak propsition and a reality I have lived but the light of joy and prospertity which grows into maturity and accpetance of the condition with a deeper understanding, one that I never had with full insight has finally shone through even though I wrote about it in a previous post.
Because this is my first taste of finally accepting I have Bipolar through learning I am no longer on my own, it gives me great hope and peace of mind. Something I never thought I'd ever attain. Nevertheless I find now that I must try to come out of my rut of self pity and neglect, the great depression and untimly highs and try my hand at implementing self management and mindfulness techniques to take away some of the burden this condition brings. There's a long road ahead and I hope we can all travel and join hands together as we cross this bridge.
I once wrote about friendship, love, & what it feels like to be loved and give love. Yet I rarely envisaged myself finding something so pure. I embarked upon a journey of self discovery & on this epic travel through the vast vicinity of time and space I discovered you. The you I write of has no connection with any other tale I told the world about. They were just precious detail to me that I had to note down in order to save myself from myself. Life dealt me my first blow in terms of passion, betrayal all in the name of what you call love. It cheated me, she cheated me yet without such a harsh, draconian lesson I wouldn't be here today. Friendships became stale and what you call the rites of passage prevailed and I had lost that dear friendship I have named the wife that eluded me. You see life, love and laughter are god given rights to mankind. They come with ups and downs. Some people lay their life down for such courses. Some are worthy and sacred of course. Yet this life, my life as I see it now on this breezy blue sky morning has led me from trepidation to reality.
Things have a way of working themselves out. It isn't me who planned out every intricate detail of living and prepared me for what I will face or hope for. I am just a man with a good heart and intent. I want to be successful in all aspect of life yet to do that I've gone through and will go through the toughest tests of character. Things don't happen by accident. It wasn't by accident that I met her, warmed to her and felt at peace with her. I didn't fall for her upon 'first sight'. There was no niggling factor which I face today. Five strong years. From My epic breakdown only to be carried and brought back to life in an instance. I'm afraid of falling in love again. The love I experienced was nothing like this. That was magic and carefree. Although it hurt me it made me stronger yet in a way has crippled my ability to attach myself to something pure and a god given sign.
I've acted out my worldly desires in a short space of time. Yet why is it that I won't allow myself to be with you? I do dote on you, I care about you and don't ever want to let you down. I just won't allow myself to fall in love with you. Falling for someone Is easy I've played that game before, but it took me 5 years with you and when I felt a chain reaction I felt something...something true. I've never felt so at one with life , beauty and nature like the way I felt for you in that moment. It was like we'd known each other all our lives (which we do) but similar to how it is when you meet someone for the first time. It was love at first sight, our first chemical romance moment lingering yet I am so afraid to test that time bomb again.
I've known you for all my adult life and why was it that when I was sat with you your head touched mine, your hair brushed mine and your hands joined mine that there was a spark. Is it convenience, is it true. Feelings locked away in a subconscious realm that can only be accessed when the time is right. Was that a sign of a connection deeply embroiled in a century of friendship? They say you should learn from your own mistakes...but I learn from others mistakes so giving this friendship another meaning would rid me of a life of pain suffering and hurt. Only because I have been given a gift, So delicately poised & wrapped, pastel colored and oozing in aromatic bliss. You can't choose who u fall for. You can't choose who you befriend. If we did we would be so indecisive with who to trust and who is right for us? The fact is I didn't choose you nor did you choose me. I was given you and somehow you crept into my heart and set off something so pure that I cannot bring myself to act upon it.
I'm scared. Scared of losing you, scared of not being able to give you a life that you long for. I'm most afraid of resting my baggage upon your shoulders because I've been taught a lesson...never to depend on anyone because of disappointment. Where does that fit into the psyche of marriage? Isn't that an act of worship where upon you both depend on each other and build a life. If I am afraid of that then why do I see myself with you? You complete me. But I don't complete you because I want a taste of ecstasy. You want a life of marriage I want to delay that life and that is why I disregard falling in love with you. Love is a feeling so real that it can take you on a journey beyond time and space. It can send you to the higher levels of insanity and is potent because one drop can delude the human mind because it is felt by the heart. I felt that with you but the power of it was too much for me to even want to think about so I put a mind block on it. I can't say I blocked it out with my heart because it is enriched within my soul.
Things you do, things you say trigger responses and feelings that if I let myself, I can't control because it sends me in a place I've never been before. You touched my life and I yours but will I ever be able to repay you for that moment. you said on that cold summer night that say yes...be with me....make a life with me...try and let go of your negative detail about how were not ready and that we should carry on life as normal, as close friends like we have been for all those years without complicating and entangling our lives as one but don't you see???... I'm looking at the wider picture. Spontaneity is my forte but if that means getting involved romantically then I'm afraid we'd be doing more harm than good. I can't bring myself to say it but you are my soul mate. I feel it, I see it, I read it and I write it.
In hindsight, When I wrote you last spring even though feelings hadn't been submitted nor felt I wrote to you what it was like to have you in my life as a friend. If you told me one year on it would be a lot more than, I would never have believed you. Firstly because I am a gentlemen and it is not my nature too mix friendship with pleasure. And secondly, because I didn't feel that way inclined. Because my intentions were right...forces beyond our control somehow planted seeds of delight in our lives. one year on we've both been honest about how a month of interacting like we've never done before maybe because we were too blind to believe we could ever be compatible…has left us yearning to take the plunge and embark upon a relationship. I ask you again..why should we have that when what we already have is special and has been for all them years.
We've never really fell out nor have we ever really be romantically linked. Some strange desires which are only felt by my heart towards you make me yearn for your touch, for your smile and for your eyes to meet mine in a moment of pure craziness and for our souls to unite as one and touch my God given right. I don't know…. I really don't. Mainly because once that happens we won't be friends anymore. We shall enter into an unknown world. The years of getting to know you will be dissolved and seared into our souls because you would become my existence. It's not something I take lightly, but for God’s sake my heart is already beating just that bit faster and my body shivers’ as I concoct these words.
There not for you or for any being. I write not to woo you because I think I've already done that. I write for me. I need to ask myself how I really feel about you no matter how much I deny it to the world and me. Do I love you? I feel something. Do I know you? Yes I do. Do you know me? Yes you do. Do I see a future with you? Yes I do. Do I think about you? Yes I do in song & in Art. So why on earth have I filled out myself denial questionnaire in the most positive of ways yet still won't say that I want you and to give things a go. If only we could have the best of both. You’d be my best friend and soul mate and my embodiment. Why do feelings that make us psychically ache for one another like it is an illness without cure get in the way of a sordid, spontaneous wild affair without attachment? Is it because I have fallen in love with you.
I'm a helpless romantic. I want to take you by the hand and profess the way I feel about you to d world. We've been on romantic dinners, trips to the theatre and beyond. Why am I afraid to look you in the eyes and kiss you with my eyes closed and feel something utopian. Fine go…..go be with someone else, I'll get over you because I never allowed myself to be fooled by emotional drama. I hang on tenterhooks as I write that because I'm walking a tightrope. Simply because if I let you go then I will always ache for you to be in my life as a friend and you won't be there. you said it yourself..I won't wait for you... I don't want to live a life of longing and looking back at what we could have had. two best friends falling for another gradually when it became right a 5 year process.
By me writing this I'm answering the questions in my own mind. If it took us that long to realize then why would waiting another four years impact anything. If I'm still the same person then so would you be. you'd be so muchbetter. You are all the women in the world for me. I don't see us breaking what we have which Is a mutual friendship...it can only be built upon and form as a rock. And you can't break a rock so easily. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I wasn't meant to write this but that phone call made me realize that you are the one. Not on a romantic level because that is there. I mean on a foundation where I would want to spend the rest of my life on. Were young too young to be considering acts of being married. We need to take small steps. No commitments, no heartbreak or ache, no living in each other’s pockets and no strings attached. We have to test the waters and if this is what I feel it is...true love for the sake of the lord who hath brought us together and crossed our paths then I'd be willing to give it a try on the basis that knowingly deep within my thoughts and feelings is spending the rest of my life with you. If that's not the case then at least we tried and will remain friends and find what we thought we found in one another, in somewhere else because the beauty of love is that its universal. I believe in Love.
What a lovely poem to choose for the man you love. I remember when I first read that poem, I yearned to feel that way about someone. And then 6 years ago, that someone walked into my life. He became my best friend, and we were inseparable during medical school – but little did I know, he wasn’t just my best friend, he was my angel. I know this sounds absolutely made up, and sickly sweet…but he actually saved my life. No, not just saving my life by becoming the reason for me to live (that too, actually)…but actually reviving me in a moment where I could not breathe! The whole world around us told us “You two are soulmates! Again, why aren’t you two together?” And we always replied the same way, “What we have is perfect, you can’t enhance perfection – we don’t want to change anything about the way things are!”
But the fact is, we were scared. We’d both been through so many relationships that fell apart, and some were very painful – so we’d both built a wall around ourselves. We’d both become complacent, content with being single. And yet, even in our loneliness, we were together. Years passed, and we denied ourselves anything more than a platonic relationship – continuing to try our hands at relationships with other people, and never succeeding. And then, medical school was over, and we returned to our subsequent hometowns (he to Chicago, and I returned to Los Angeles) – and that’s when we both truly realized each other’s worth. After being apart, and pining for each other, and missing each other for almost two years, I met up with him in Chicago when I went up there for a convention. And just laying there in each other’s arms…I realized, that although there was a wall around my heart, he’d been the only one who I’d allowed access to, within those bounds. He didn’t have to break down the wall…because he was never outside of it. And I turned to him, and told him, ” I love you so much, and I’ll never find someone who loves me like you do – so I guess I’ll never get married!” And he simply turned to me and said, “Well, then marry me!”
I am sharing with you, something that he wrote to me last year in October.
“There is no love, no bond, or connection stronger than what we have. The fact that I get to experience that in my lifetime, the mere thought of it, makes me smile. There is nothing about our relationship which can be said is normal – but knowing both you and myself, that is no surprise. I just wanted to say thank you for allowing me to feel loved so completely, and so wholly accepted. For seeing all that is ugly and never making a face or turning away. I love you Hira, and I thank you for teaching me it’s okay, normal even, to tell people that.
Your best friend, your partner in crime, and forever and always, your vigilant angel,
Adeel Siddiqui”
I share this with you, and anyone who has ever doubted love. I had given up on it, and then there it was. He was just a friend…and now he is my world! I pray, I honestly pray that EVERY ONE is able to experience that – because that feeling is unmatched by any other emotion in the world!
Inspired by a poignant Love Story
Upon reading your humble and heartfelt insight into what I can only describe as a blessing and meeting of hearts, I am inspired to share with you something I never thought about in such clear and vivid detail. You’re subtle and poignant words struck a nerve with me Last Night and I felt helpless. I began writing what a Friendship embarking upon a true and tranquil journey felt like for me. I to this day do not know what possessed me to write such a deep and profound letter of emotional expression to which I can only describe at that point Last February a close friend. Listening back to a voice note I recorded reading that Letter at that moment in time served no purpose. But now I comprehend it was to share it with the future.
Everything has a reason and a consequence yet I was oblivious to the full extent and impact of writing such a passionately fuelled letter. Things between us back then were difficult. I took advantage of the friendship and used it as a pretext for when I got lonely and bored. I hardly kept in contact through no fault of my own, but now I understand my life isn't exactly plain sailing. I take a breather and envisage how a year has completely changed our friendship. We've both become older, wiser & mature with time. Even though then I didn't understand how one letter to describe my gratitude toward the subject on a completely platonic level would be used as a catalyst to actually describe and discover my deepest kept secret I now fathom.
I've learnt now that I have completely fallen for her yet I am content because we haven't crossed any boundaries. We've both declared that we dote on one another and hold each other in such high regard. We've confessed that we would Love nothing more than to be together yet haven't committed any physical sin which would entail that we were or will be bound to each other.
They say that when you kiss your souls connect. Yet our souls have already connected on a deeper level. We are in sync intellectually; we understand each other’s needs. Yes there may have been times when we do ache to be held by each other subconsciously. Our hands may collide together; our hair particles may rub off on one another and create a static charge. We can enter into a visceral vortex of invigorating chemistry yet I am not willing to tarnish this friendship and exchange it for a carnal desire. It’s too pure; it’s too meaningful and cathartic to be bloodied by a crime of passion.
I may have slightly digressed from the subject however I do apologize as this is an account of what is so enriched within me. Your Story has been the spark & ignition to describe the best of relations. To start as friends and End as Lovers. This feeling isn't one born out of an overnight scorn of affection. Much to the contrary. It is patience, perseverance and being at one with each other’s inner self that hath created such a beautiful connection. A meeting of minds, a psychical attraction and an empowering joining of the souls. Enamored souls. You use the word platonic and that may be one way to describe it. Well it was clearly that way Last February.
We'd spent lots of time together prior to when I wrote her. I clearly liked her but there was no jena se qua. I first came across the infamous feeling of being helpless as I walked her home one evening not so long ago.
Something about her, something so unreal and subtle ate away at me and I could hear myself uttering the most nonsensical nonsense. I was actually trying to explain to myself that falling for this girl whom I consider my best friend would be the undoing of me and the loss of a friendship. Attaining her in a promoted role would be such an uphill battle and one that I would not be willing to come to the forefront for.
It ate away at me for two weeks. Until forces greater than ourselves drew in and she declared her Love for me. There was certainly something there. It had lingered in my mind without having expressed it; therefore it most certainly was on her mind.
Looking back now as I haven't met with her nor talked to her much I think crossing the boundaries and starting a relationship would be our downfall. I know she is complete and most probably the best woman I am likely to come across yet I am not willing to try it out and then let go if things become tough. I have too much going on and as a kind gesture I am not prepared to spoil any chance of a future that we may have together.
In hindsight that birthday Letter may have been the pieces in our jigsaw puzzle that will take time to develop and enrich in Love. I don't know how I uttered such words of delight toward her. Maybe if I bare all I feel my words back then were empty. But that was then and now when I look back, read or hear my token of appreciation I have jitters because I know now that it has been consummated in the most realistic and platonic of ways.
I wanted to do something special when I wrote to her. I wanted it to impact on her and forgive me of any sin or wronging I may have committed. Was it an unspoken love? An unspoken subconscious feeling which had never come to the fold. Or more fittingly a plantation of what was to come and is impending. So I hope. I wanted to create something romantic. Something bona fide & something unique. So I covered the letter with tea bag and coffee stains and burnt the edges. It had a vintage aged look. We both possess class. She warms my insides and maybe is the one.
To be frank and cavalier I want to see other people. I know you wrote about how you both saw others and wanted to carry on a single life without complications and maybe that is what I want to do. I know how severe and savage relationships can be. I promised myself I would not enter another one. Why spoil what we already have. Have we entangled each other in emotional distress that being with other people would hurt one another? I don't mean going out of my way to find other women but enjoy and materialize with the women I already have in my life whom I have yet to meet, yet share such a great appetite for life with.
I know what we have is real. I've know her 6 years and we've spent so much time together. Its tangible and I know everything about her. She's local. We mingle in the same social circles. Culture isn't an outcry. I've been let down by girls in the past who were lost causes and have wasted so much time, effort and energy with complete strangers. Yet why is it that I am scared to begin something with someone which I feel can be utopian and go a long way. Is it my age? Is it my inability to carry myself with glorified pride. Or is it because of my considerate nature. I don't want to ever hurt her. Maybe I can't be held down with my best friend and Lovers reliance upon me. Until and unless we share a moment of passion we shall never really know if it is just a feeling born out of dependency and familiar grounds.
I don't want to sacrifice a friendship for a Boyfriend & girlfriend relationship yet I don't want her to be let down by trolls and foolish guys. I can handle myself when it comes to the women in my life but I know what our species are like and don't want her to get hurt again when I know and feel I am the perfect guy for her. It sounds a lot like a catch-22 and what was at first just a response and a similar kind of pattern into how both Yours and My paths have crossed and become similar I am at war with my desires and my loyalties as a friend.
The best and most weird feeling here is that we've both talked about the way we feel about each other. We unknowingly looked at the positives and negatives of being together and maybe that is special. We've spent a limited amount of time in passion filled declarations of how we feel about each other and if these conversations were to take place in person holding one another and gazing in each other’s eyes, cheek to cheek without concealing or not confessing how we felt; then there would be a crimson realization.
I feel I'm taking the mature approach because I don't want our Love to suffer a dire and abrupt end. Yes there's magic, sparks, adoration & bliss but the underlying factor is that we are best friends. Last spring I wrote about being with you and toyed with the idea. My words were cold and flat and you certainly deserved more than that. Yet with that scripture already dealt with I feel that spending so much time with you this February for your birthday and then mine has brought us closer. I was shocked that you told me you had a major thing for me for 2 years but never told me. In fact I admire you for telling me now because the feeling is most certainly reciprocated.
I never knew or thought that I'd fall for you. I feel strange now because I'm talking to her through you. I just wandered off on a tangent. Your compelling tale has taught me so much. Your Love is true and I am blessed to be able to share it with you. In this little time I have known you; you have taught me so much. You've touched my life and giving me a paramount sense of courage, belief and hope.
Writing this after deleting my original thought and feeling lackluster about it and actually feeling a physical pain because I will not be able to express this how I originally intended has now passed me by. You said write from the heart and not to exert myself into thinking what I originally wanted and I have followed that advice. I owe u so much. You’ve given me the ability to not be scared of expressing myself through the spoken and written word and sharing it with the world. You've touched me from within and I pay homage to you. Even though you are so far away in miles, across the Atlantic and hidden away from my sight you are truly an amazing being.
When I first told you about that special one in my life and was honest as to say that she's not mine yet and that's the way we want it I had no idea your story and your experience would have such an impact on me that I'd write back my feelings. Your comment left an open wound. It opened my eyes and taught me the true value of friendship. I just hope we can grown and learn from one another despite you being in LA and I in Manchester. Maybe one day you'll even meet the girl who I christen this letter in the name of. Halima. Wow you both have the same Letter as your first names. I never realized that till just now. Even if we don't end up being together I'll still remember how you gave me a platform to express the meaning of a friendship between a boy and a girl. How it is more special than any other kind of relationship. How it can be Platonic and eternal.
The other Letters and stories I've written don't compare to this. They were in the past and that is where they shall stay. This one is ongoing and in regard to my present and future. One which I hope you shall be a part of and likewise I hope to be a part of your on goings with Mr. Enamored soul.
I shall now bid you adieu in the name of Love, friendship and the meeting of minds. xXx
18/4/2011 1:47am I just herd this song on Magic 1152 & It touched an intricate nerve within the Soul & I thought I'd Share it as a homage to this Poignant Love Story I wrote.
Life really sucks. Thefirst real signs of how being bipolar affects your life were seen today. Two days have gonebyand I jus feel out of it. I went to an appointmentat the JobcentreAnd I felt so withdrawn and zoned out. I was there talkingabout my future employment options but my head is a million miles away bordering into nothingness. A controlled state of vertigo. I stare into the abyss of time: future past and present.
I feel so lost. Youknow there was this program called Americas medicated kids on BBc Iplayer. A10 year old boy on Seroquel. Their definition- anti psychotic drug which keeps you within ' normality' Functionalist may argue it helps you to lead a normal life and keeps you within the realms of functioningadequately & keeps you in the zone. My body can't take no more. The impact of a pill hinges on my safe existence. The tiredness creeps in, it paralyses me. Cripples my ability to do the simple things like wake up Early to see the beauties and pursuits in what we call life. It never used to be a peturbing problem. Some may say I use this as an excuse. That I should fight the diagnosis, fight the illness...my response ..how can youwhen the onslaught on taking 3 peach coloured pills marked with the markings of a hostile draconian medicated society is the battle you have to face every evening. Some evenings straight on the back of 12 hours of deep dark destructive sleep. There may be critics. Mostly those who sit on their high horses. How are they to blame for their views.
They don't know what its like to cross over the chemical levels inyour brain which lead to psychosisand that life as you once new it, Innocent playful and friendly says there's no going back. Believe me as I speak bipolar or whatever youwant to call it dysfunctionsyour ability to carry out the tasks you normally did without any problems. 3 , 4 years have passed. Yes I have made progress. The new york style sky scraper therapy up in central park advises not being harsh on oneself as it does nothing to alleviate stress however alleviates it. I'm not judging myself nor blaming myself for what happened all those years ago. I've spent years in solitude understanding what went wrong and how my life took a turn for the worst. But I guess religion ,spiritual beliefs have rid me clear of self mutilation both mentally andphysically. Iv learnt a lot about myself, and met many interesting people through the events of October 06. It is an experience in itself. Yet not one that I wish on any other due to the enormity of pain & suffering. It may appear there is an ignorance within society that people like me are just making excuses and can function fine. Everybody's different that's the beauty of it.You know I want to change my life for the better. Bring it back to the day where there wasn't any prevalent mental issues try a system restore but its not that simple.
Medication, therapy are much..Are much like the necessary pursuits to sustain a healthy life.Iv seen how I feel without the pill. The pill which I have christened in the name of the father the son the holy spirit Amen. En el nombredel Padre, del Hijo, y del Espiritu Santo, amen. I curse it in the sign of the cross because it is a crucifixion of killing ones free fall personality. I'm not saying I have a personality disorder. Much to the contrary.Its the personality which was wild & had lost control, which caused me to end up in a rehab clinic much like Holden Caulfield who got run down jus as I did. The ideas of making it , the American dream which has been drilled into every post 1980s generation where when it fails holds dramatic and perturbing consequences. Doctors, medical experts still to this day can't explain how bipolar happens yet research, relapse prevention holds basic answers. The human mind is too complex....
Yet the creator who created this mind boggling human invention is a thought which is best left pondering without being too profound which in itself could cause mental exertions as this could be one of the many answers into how I lost it.A fight with philosophy is a war and battle left un fought. Too much time ruminating into the depths of the kabala and misconceptions of being the victim of black magic. This organic psychosis or harshly put losing your marbles can happen to anyone. Lack of sleep the most paramount issue which if tried and tested upon the strongest of men could lead to a breakdown amongst other things in ones life. To be honest this was only meant to be a recollection of thoughts which I texted my friend on how I felt withdrawn and distant. Like I am here but I am simply not there ..similar to the Patrick Bateman ideology Barr the gruesomeness and destruction. Yet their remains destruction. If I don't change my ways I'll be stuck. I'll feel self pity..
A pity which cognitivebehavioural therapy can only fix on the surface. I need to change.
I need to rediscover my past zeal with a new found reformed way of forward thinking , the calm cooland collective approach. The new man without any pressure. I know what I have to do to achieve these goals. So for now I will drop the big long term goals and focus on swallowing the self pity, accepting that I have to take medication to control my condition on time. Have enough sleep at controlled times not like an owl nor vampire and beat the seduction of sleep and carry out the happy pursuit of life at my own pace. I have the right people and steps in place to slowly get out their but not too slowly. Yet stay away from being Uber sensitive to my wants and needs. So from this day forward I shall reset my body clock, tweak up my motivation nerve endings and achieve slight pride into my life each day and do the things that make me Happy. .Or will make me proud in the present and future.
Its hard almost impossible to drop the past which holds so much of the key to the future. Its like my mandate which I refer too to avoid hiccups and learn from past mistakes. I also need to reengage within society and be more practical about the economics of life. When I get the buzz to try something new I promise to stick at it and turn it into a routine and intertwine it into my structure. I guess that is all for now as too much rumination may cause too much profound thinking which in turn leads to depression. It may be a good idea to use the lessons learnt in CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) and implement them. However the utopian is written in the stars. Constructive spiritual therapy remains the only key to overcome life's tests. xXx
