http://t.co/ls65SlA Exposing my broken brain on the radio A Raw & Honest Take on Relationships & Mental Health-An Interview
This is by a fellow blogger from Canada. Listening to this hit a nerve with me. I've been facing a gut wrenching low for the past month ever since I returned from the MDF (Manic depression fellowship) Conference full of gleam and hope for my future (may I point out not a high or hypomanic outburst). I just want to be left alone and sleep excessivley and do not want to face the world and any responsiblites. I want to change I am sick and tired of feeling like this. I've had all the therapy and educated myself with the illness but I can't seem to motivate myself. When I say Can't its more of a question of do I want to step into the real world, beyond my talk radio, bed and flat. I do go the shops when I feel it necessary but living with my Aunt, Grandma and Uncle takes away the burden of wasting away because when I sleep for 12 hours or beyond they are the ones to talk me out of bed to eat and take my pills. This has happened numourous times within the past month. Sometimes I'll just take my pills after a 12 hours sleep because I feel that is all everyone cares about and fall asleep and wake up earlier but numb.
Even these close relationships aggravate me and I get irritable easily. I left my family home in a hypomanic episode and literally moved in with them. I do enjoy the fact I mostly get to be on my own and having my own room helps and maybe I am okay with living here but when I lose my temper I want to go back home but because I am in a comfort zone here because all my belongings are here I retract that feeling.
I find myself neglecting my hygiene. Truth be told I've slipped into a routine of showering once a week and even that is a struggle. I've not had the energy to go on this forum either. Last night I took to writing how I felt which seems to take off some of the low self esteem and depression. It's not like I hate myself or my life. It's comfortable. I don't have any responsibilities. I've come to terms with the diagnosis and have accepted it's a part of me. I get told to think positively, go to the gym lose some weight because I am becoming overweight. And in mind I want to do those things, feel nature, live a more active and fulfilling life but I have no flight to do this nor fight left within me. I'd much rather sleep and hide away. I'm not feeling sorry for myself nor wallowing in self pity. It's just something I haven't been able to come out of for the past 4 weeks. My medication works for me, it has done for 5years. (150mg XL Seroquel). I have even become a member of MDF in the little time I discovered the group a couple of months ago and do intend to go to the self help groups.
I know I have come along way since last year but I just want to not be low. I do have support networks and have taught my family how to deal better with me through the help of MDF literature. My friends understand me but It's like I feel helpless. I have the ideas but no action to help myself. I don't even know if there is a point to this. I was meant to post a link to an interview but I've just poured my guts out on how I've been feeling for a long time. I can't meet simple targets, simple goals I mean how long will I live like this before it's been 2 years and I'm still stuck in this rut. I don't hate being Bipolar when it's good to me and helps me write and do positive things but when it rips into my simple everyday life...that hurts.
It's not made me into the person who lives like everybody else who has no mental health issues. Instead it's took me upon this journey and way of living that effects every single thing I do from getting up in the morning to the way I think and feel. It is a hindrance in every aspect. Not only to me but the people around me. Like before Bipolarity was ever mentioned I never used to get this Low. This is a Low only seen & felt amongst fellow Bipolar sufferers. So what do I do? Is it fair to say that this is the way things are and will be at times. Like I can't escape it because it is part of the illness and diagnosis. Its a crippling low.
I guess this post should be in two separate posts but I do feel a connection with what the interviewee feels. This has just been building up for a while now.
Thanks for hearing me.
Omar
Dear Omar,
ReplyDeleteI am so sorry that you have been feeling this way. Although this may not be hypomania, it is still a consequence of your illness - and it has a simple name, depression.
What happens to a lot of people, going through what you are going through, is that when the illness strikes and brings adversity with itself, sometimes continually trying to fight this disease really wears you out. You see others not having to deal with the same difficulties you do, and that takes a toll, thrusting you into a constant state of sadness - a depressive state. That's what's going on right now.
But you have ALSO got to face the other hard-hitting fact - NO ONE but YOU can pull yourself out of this depressive stupor. It won't happen overnight, and it won't be easy...but YOU are the ONLY one who can make the CONSCIOUS decision to pick yourself up, and walk AHEAD in life! It doesn't matter WHAT time during the day you wake up, you have GOT to get out of bed, take a shower, and FORCE yourself to go out. It doesn't even matter if it's merely for a walk around the block. Interact with people. Do something productive - volunteer, HANG OUT WITH FRIENDS, even if you're going to read go to the library and read where there are other human beings to interact with, do something productive!
Isolating yourself will not help the problem - because it does not make the problem go away, it only leaves you alone and defenseless against the inner workings of your mind. PLEASE, I beg you, PLEASE try and make the conscious effort to mingle with people. Cry, beg, scream...do whatever it takes to break out of the monotony of the day, the monotony of your life. You have to make a change, regardless of how small. When I was depressed, I wrote letters...actual, letters...just the act of writing, cursive...letting the letters calm me down used to put me in a better mindset. Do whatever it takes, regardless of how small or large. So go ahead, try a few different things,see what you like doing best...and take it from there.
I worry about you, and it hurts me to see you so down. I am always here, even if I may take a little while to reply to you. I love you, buddy...hang in there. "This too, shall pass!"
*big hugs*
~Hira~