Interesting radio interview on how Bipolar affects relationships & a rant about how I've been feeling lately

http://t.co/ls65SlA Exposing my broken brain on the radio A Raw & Honest Take on Relationships & Mental Health-An Interview 

http://princessrantsandraves.blogspot.com/2011/06/raw-honest-take-on-relationships-mental.html 

This is by a fellow blogger from Canada. Listening to this hit a nerve with me. I've been facing a gut wrenching low for the past month ever since I returned from the MDF (Manic depression fellowship) Conference full of gleam and hope for my future (may I point out not a high or hypomanic outburst). I just want to be left alone and sleep excessivley and do not want to face the world and any responsiblites. I want to change I am sick and tired of feeling like this. I've had all the therapy and educated myself with the illness but I can't seem to motivate myself. When I say Can't its more of a question of do I want to step into the real world, beyond my talk radio, bed and flat. I do go the shops when I feel it necessary but living with my Aunt, Grandma and Uncle takes away the burden of wasting away because when I sleep for 12 hours or beyond they are the ones to talk me out of bed to eat and take my pills. This has happened numourous times within the past month. Sometimes I'll just take my pills after a 12 hours sleep because I feel that is all everyone cares about and fall asleep and wake up earlier but numb.

Even these close relationships aggravate me and I get irritable easily. I left my family home in a hypomanic episode and literally moved in with them. I do enjoy the fact I mostly get to be on my own and having my own room helps and maybe I am okay with living here but when I lose my temper I want to go back home but because I am in a comfort zone here because all my belongings are here I retract that feeling.

I find myself neglecting my hygiene. Truth be told I've slipped into a routine of showering once a week and even that is a struggle. I've not had the energy to go on this forum either. Last night I took to writing how I felt which seems to take off some of the low self esteem and depression. It's not like I hate myself or my life. It's comfortable. I don't have any responsibilities. I've come to terms with the diagnosis and have accepted it's a part of me. I get told to think positively, go to the gym lose some weight because I am becoming overweight. And in mind I want to do those things, feel nature, live a more active and fulfilling life but I have no flight to do this nor fight left within me. I'd much rather sleep and hide away. I'm not feeling sorry for myself nor wallowing in self pity. It's just something I haven't been able to come out of for the past 4 weeks. My medication works for me, it has done for 5years. (150mg XL Seroquel). I have even become a member of MDF in the little time I discovered the group a couple of months ago and do intend to go to the self help groups. 

I know I have come along way since last year but I just want to not be low. I do have support networks and have taught my family how to deal better with me through the help of MDF literature. My friends understand me but It's like I feel helpless. I have the ideas but no action to help myself. I don't even know if there is a point to this. I was meant to post a link to an interview but I've just poured my guts out on how I've been feeling for a long time. I can't meet simple targets, simple goals I mean how long will I live like this before it's been 2 years and I'm still stuck in this rut. I don't hate being Bipolar when it's good to me and helps me write and do positive things but when it rips into my simple everyday life...that hurts. 

It's not made me into the person who lives like everybody else who has no mental health issues. Instead it's took me upon this journey and way of living that effects every single thing I do from getting up in the morning to the way I think and feel. It is a hindrance in every aspect. Not only to me but the people around me. Like before Bipolarity was ever mentioned I never used to get this Low. This is a Low only seen & felt amongst fellow Bipolar sufferers. So what do I do? Is it fair to say that this is the way things are and will be at times. Like I can't escape it because it is part of the illness and diagnosis. Its a crippling low. 

I guess this post should be in two separate posts but I do feel a connection with what the interviewee feels. This has just been building up for a while now.

Thanks for hearing me.

Omar 

The Bipolar Souls

After an inspiring and emotional day at the Manic Depressive Fellowship conference, hearing, seeing and meeting such wonderful people with Bipolar ( I had not met anyone with the condition since my diagnosis in 2006 & only joined Manic Depressive Fellowship in April) I was deeply touched. On the way home to Manchester on the train something from within inspired me to write my thoughts of the day and the future of Bipolar for each and every single one of us. I have entitled it: The Bipolar Souls 

Something strange and beautiful is happening. A veil is being lifted. The veneer of this condition I once ridiclued as a disease is no more. It is a blessing in the most bejewelled of disguises. What I viewed as my complete failure at attempting to fulfil a successful life has now been set right. Justice has been restored. Meeting such gifted, warm and tender people has hit a very fine nerve ending that goes from the human mind to the human heart. Not just any human heart but ones of a special kind. You could use the term bipolar souls. Such divine and intricate people, so elegantly poised who possess something unique & refined. They have the most eloquent of qualities and on their faces remains etched a story each personal to their own hearts and minds.

When they utter their subsequent plight as to what led them to such a dark place you only have to see with your heart because your heart is the eyes to the soul. Their soul. Our soul. The bipolar soul. What led me to solitude and seldom peace, what black disease marred my soul is now a thing of the past. For now I see beyond the dark days. The dog days are now over...I..I hope yet I learnt today that there is no cure..no magical pill so for now restoring my mind to its previous state of stability is a thought left pondering without.

Today of all days..today the day I craved for, for the past 5 years became real. Understanding, knowledge and wisdom can only be attained when the time is right. Think of it like a Rite of the bipolar passage. Living and loving a 'normal' life of 17 years and having that snatched away from you and never being restored ever again was a bleak propsition and a reality I have lived but the light of joy and prospertity which grows into maturity and accpetance of the condition with a deeper understanding, one that I never had with full insight has finally shone through even though I wrote about it in a previous post.

Because this is my first taste of finally accepting I have Bipolar through learning I am no longer on my own, it gives me great hope and peace of mind. Something I never thought I'd ever attain. Nevertheless I find now that I must try to come out of my rut of self pity and neglect, the great depression and untimly highs and try my hand at implementing self management and mindfulness techniques to take away some of the burden this condition brings. There's a long road ahead and I hope we can all travel and join hands together as we cross this bridge.  

Bipolar Therapy

1st May 2010: 

Life really sucks. The first real signs of how being bipolar affects your life were seen today. Two days have gone by and I jus feel out of it. I went to an appointment at the Jobcentre And I felt so withdrawn and zoned out. I was there talking about my future employment options but my head is a million miles away bordering into nothingness. A controlled state of vertigo. I stare into the abyss of time: future past and present. 

I feel so lost. You know there was this program called Americas medicated kids on BBc Iplayer. A 10 year old boy on Seroquel. Their definition- anti psychotic drug which keeps you within ' normality' Functionalist may argue it helps you to lead a normal life and keeps you within the realms of functioning adequately & keeps you in the zone. My body can't take no more. The impact of a pill hinges on my safe existence. The tiredness creeps in, it paralyses me. Cripples my ability to do the simple things like wake up Early to see the beauties and pursuits in what we call life. It never used to be a peturbing problem. Some may say I use this as an excuse. That I should fight the diagnosis, fight the illness...my response ..how can you when the onslaught on taking 3 peach coloured pills marked with the markings of a hostile draconian medicated society is the battle you have to face every evening. Some evenings straight on the back of 12 hours of deep dark destructive sleep. There may be critics. Mostly those who sit on their high horses. How are they to blame for their views.  

They don't know what its like to cross over the chemical levels in your brain which lead to psychosis and that life as you once new it, Innocent playful and friendly says there's no going back. Believe me as I speak bipolar or whatever you want to call it dysfunctions your ability to carry out the tasks you normally did without any problems. 3 , 4 years have passed. Yes I have made progress. The new york style sky scraper therapy up in central park advises not being harsh on oneself as it does nothing to alleviate stress however alleviates it. I'm not judging myself nor blaming myself for what happened all those years ago. I've spent years in solitude understanding what went wrong and how my life took a turn for the worst. But I guess religion , spiritual beliefs have rid me clear of self mutilation both mentally and physically. Iv learnt a lot about myself, and met many interesting people through the events of October 06. It is an experience in itself. Yet not one that I wish on any other due to the enormity of pain & suffering. It may appear there is an ignorance within society that people like me are just making excuses and can function fine. Everybody's different that's the beauty of it. You know I want to change my life for the better. Bring it back to the day where there wasn't any prevalent mental issues try a system restore but its not that simple. 

Medication, therapy are much..Are much like the necessary pursuits to sustain a healthy life. Iv seen how I feel without the pill. The pill which I have christened in the name of the father the son the holy spirit Amen. En el nombre del Padre, del Hijo, y del Espiritu Santo, amen. I curse it in the sign of the cross because it is a crucifixion of killing ones free fall personality. I'm not saying I have a personality disorder. Much to the contrary. Its the personality which was wild & had lost control, which caused me to end up in a rehab clinic much like Holden Caulfield who got run down jus as I did. The ideas of making it , the American dream which has been drilled into every post 1980s generation where when it fails holds dramatic and perturbing consequences. Doctors, medical experts still to this day can't explain how bipolar happens yet research, relapse prevention holds basic answers. The human mind is too complex....  

Yet the creator who created this mind boggling human invention is a thought which is best left pondering without being too profound which in itself could cause mental exertions as this could be one of the many answers into how I lost it. A fight with philosophy is a war and battle left un fought. Too much time ruminating into the depths of the kabala and misconceptions of being the victim of black magic. This organic psychosis or harshly put losing your marbles can happen to anyone. Lack of sleep the most paramount issue which if tried and tested upon the strongest of men could lead to a breakdown amongst other things in ones life. To be honest this was only meant to be a recollection of thoughts which I texted my friend on how I felt withdrawn and distant. Like I am here but I am simply not there ..similar to the Patrick Bateman ideology Barr the gruesomeness and destruction. Yet their remains destruction. If I don't change my ways I'll be stuck. I'll feel self pity..  

A pity which cognitive behavioural therapy can only fix on the surface. I need to change.  

I need to rediscover my past zeal with a new found reformed way of forward thinking , the calm cool and collective approach. The new man without any pressure. I know what I have to do to achieve these goals. So for now I will drop the big long term goals and focus on swallowing the self pity, accepting that I have to take medication to control my condition on time. Have enough sleep at controlled times not like an owl nor vampire and beat the seduction of sleep and carry out the happy pursuit of life at my own pace. I have the right people and steps in place to slowly get out their but not too slowly. Yet stay away from being Uber sensitive to my wants and needs. So from this day forward I shall reset my body clock, tweak up my motivation nerve endings and achieve slight pride into my life each day and do the things that make me Happy. .Or will make me proud in the present and future. 

Its hard almost impossible to drop the past which holds so much of the key to the future. Its like my mandate which I refer too to avoid hiccups and learn from past mistakes. I also need to reengage within society and be more practical about the economics of life. When I get the buzz to try something new I promise to stick at it and turn it into a routine and intertwine it into my structure. I guess that is all for now as too much rumination may cause too much profound thinking which in turn leads to depression. It may be a good idea to use the lessons learnt in CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) and implement them. However the utopian is written in the stars. Constructive spiritual therapy remains the only key to overcome life's tests. xXx