Bipolar Therapy

1st May 2010: 

Life really sucks. The first real signs of how being bipolar affects your life were seen today. Two days have gone by and I jus feel out of it. I went to an appointment at the Jobcentre And I felt so withdrawn and zoned out. I was there talking about my future employment options but my head is a million miles away bordering into nothingness. A controlled state of vertigo. I stare into the abyss of time: future past and present. 

I feel so lost. You know there was this program called Americas medicated kids on BBc Iplayer. A 10 year old boy on Seroquel. Their definition- anti psychotic drug which keeps you within ' normality' Functionalist may argue it helps you to lead a normal life and keeps you within the realms of functioning adequately & keeps you in the zone. My body can't take no more. The impact of a pill hinges on my safe existence. The tiredness creeps in, it paralyses me. Cripples my ability to do the simple things like wake up Early to see the beauties and pursuits in what we call life. It never used to be a peturbing problem. Some may say I use this as an excuse. That I should fight the diagnosis, fight the illness...my response ..how can you when the onslaught on taking 3 peach coloured pills marked with the markings of a hostile draconian medicated society is the battle you have to face every evening. Some evenings straight on the back of 12 hours of deep dark destructive sleep. There may be critics. Mostly those who sit on their high horses. How are they to blame for their views.  

They don't know what its like to cross over the chemical levels in your brain which lead to psychosis and that life as you once new it, Innocent playful and friendly says there's no going back. Believe me as I speak bipolar or whatever you want to call it dysfunctions your ability to carry out the tasks you normally did without any problems. 3 , 4 years have passed. Yes I have made progress. The new york style sky scraper therapy up in central park advises not being harsh on oneself as it does nothing to alleviate stress however alleviates it. I'm not judging myself nor blaming myself for what happened all those years ago. I've spent years in solitude understanding what went wrong and how my life took a turn for the worst. But I guess religion , spiritual beliefs have rid me clear of self mutilation both mentally and physically. Iv learnt a lot about myself, and met many interesting people through the events of October 06. It is an experience in itself. Yet not one that I wish on any other due to the enormity of pain & suffering. It may appear there is an ignorance within society that people like me are just making excuses and can function fine. Everybody's different that's the beauty of it. You know I want to change my life for the better. Bring it back to the day where there wasn't any prevalent mental issues try a system restore but its not that simple. 

Medication, therapy are much..Are much like the necessary pursuits to sustain a healthy life. Iv seen how I feel without the pill. The pill which I have christened in the name of the father the son the holy spirit Amen. En el nombre del Padre, del Hijo, y del Espiritu Santo, amen. I curse it in the sign of the cross because it is a crucifixion of killing ones free fall personality. I'm not saying I have a personality disorder. Much to the contrary. Its the personality which was wild & had lost control, which caused me to end up in a rehab clinic much like Holden Caulfield who got run down jus as I did. The ideas of making it , the American dream which has been drilled into every post 1980s generation where when it fails holds dramatic and perturbing consequences. Doctors, medical experts still to this day can't explain how bipolar happens yet research, relapse prevention holds basic answers. The human mind is too complex....  

Yet the creator who created this mind boggling human invention is a thought which is best left pondering without being too profound which in itself could cause mental exertions as this could be one of the many answers into how I lost it. A fight with philosophy is a war and battle left un fought. Too much time ruminating into the depths of the kabala and misconceptions of being the victim of black magic. This organic psychosis or harshly put losing your marbles can happen to anyone. Lack of sleep the most paramount issue which if tried and tested upon the strongest of men could lead to a breakdown amongst other things in ones life. To be honest this was only meant to be a recollection of thoughts which I texted my friend on how I felt withdrawn and distant. Like I am here but I am simply not there ..similar to the Patrick Bateman ideology Barr the gruesomeness and destruction. Yet their remains destruction. If I don't change my ways I'll be stuck. I'll feel self pity..  

A pity which cognitive behavioural therapy can only fix on the surface. I need to change.  

I need to rediscover my past zeal with a new found reformed way of forward thinking , the calm cool and collective approach. The new man without any pressure. I know what I have to do to achieve these goals. So for now I will drop the big long term goals and focus on swallowing the self pity, accepting that I have to take medication to control my condition on time. Have enough sleep at controlled times not like an owl nor vampire and beat the seduction of sleep and carry out the happy pursuit of life at my own pace. I have the right people and steps in place to slowly get out their but not too slowly. Yet stay away from being Uber sensitive to my wants and needs. So from this day forward I shall reset my body clock, tweak up my motivation nerve endings and achieve slight pride into my life each day and do the things that make me Happy. .Or will make me proud in the present and future. 

Its hard almost impossible to drop the past which holds so much of the key to the future. Its like my mandate which I refer too to avoid hiccups and learn from past mistakes. I also need to reengage within society and be more practical about the economics of life. When I get the buzz to try something new I promise to stick at it and turn it into a routine and intertwine it into my structure. I guess that is all for now as too much rumination may cause too much profound thinking which in turn leads to depression. It may be a good idea to use the lessons learnt in CBT (Cognitive behavioural therapy) and implement them. However the utopian is written in the stars. Constructive spiritual therapy remains the only key to overcome life's tests. xXx