Bipolar: The End of a road: A journey from perdition to tranquility & Peace of mind...

Guess what. After much thought, heartache and languish, the great depression through these tumultuous years, Be it incarceration through organic highs and macabre dogs days fighting all that is good & evil from within is finally over. Call it a cleansing and purge. A loss of normality through no fault but my own I confess all that hath happened has been for a greater good. A cause worth ailing through. Being defeated & left to suffer in solitude, a journey of a boy to man, a deeper understanding and a crude rite of passage to learn the meaning of life without the luxuries of aristocracy or nouveau riche. I had soon discovered peace for a brief yet innate moment & it left me at one with nature. Yet this prized possession can be taken away from Man and leave him stuck in a rut of self pity. Yes there have been days and weeks and months where I have lost the will to carry on & hide away from life and the wider world. I have abused the spiritual gift of innocence, one that we are all born with, all that is good and powerful, and compensated it for a war of world’s and a futile 'Americana dream'. From Blake's meek songs of innocence to a yielding life of experience.

I have suffered enough. To be bilateral on two opposing ends of the spectrum has left me weak, cold and tiered. Only apathy and lethargy remain my greatest vices. Too hold it so close, the road to recover my natural state of mind , health and glory and have it snatched away from or by me is a fragile fine line between sanity and immortality beyond grimness. I once let the greed of 'good' overpower and consume me that there was nothing there of my identity. It had been lost and soiled and left me for dead. This journey that I took seldom led to peace. It wanted more and more materials and hence led to a breakdown of personality. What I talk about had its joys and certain thrills yet it lacked embodiment. The crucifix had been drawn up and nailed me to a dependency of a cognitive thinking and an AA state of mind.

I do not talk about relationships loved and lost. I do not talk of romance. All romance is dead to this topic of explanation. It wasn't the misty angelic eyes of femme fatales that preyed on me because they are the blessed and holy things All hail Marys & goddesses. It was the incongruous lack of structure and ideals within me that in consequence led to a boy being martyred in the name of Holden Caulfield. I was quintessentially caught out in the fields of self destruction. It was and is a mystical journey where I still have a long way to go. Therapy is a word use widely throughout the human world. Be it holistic or physical barriers, mental health or a readiness to overcome life’s haunts and hostilities. One never knows when their time comes. When success or a romantic readiness also knows as confidence feeds into the subconscious and cheats its soul carrier and in turn changes this into spiralling perdition of manic depression. The wheels become rusted and clogged and then it hits u like a ton of bricks. 5 years of what u believed and dreamt to be your gateway to the world of consumerism and success turns into a bleak wider understanding of what Greed and materialism can do to you.

One can never own a piece of this world. You may feel like you can and even grasp it through paper chasing, but when that grease soils your fingertips and seeps through you feel a disgust in that you ever allowed yourself to step outside the mark of being at one with nature. Maybe to learn the real effects you will have to be bruised and learn the most crucial lessons in life but that is because you lost your way and never obeyed the rules of the elders written and witnessed before you. My friend this countless continuing journey through the spectrum and vivid colours of life leave you blinded for quite some time, till you overcome your fears, your inability only because you have sinned and stepped out of the circle of sanity and ran away from peace in your life. Things will never be the same again because your physical body and over working enthusiastic mind have been beaten badly, bloodied even and the chemicals that create life, love, laughter and sadness; simply emotion have gone through a world war Armageddon. It has been so far gone that only a holistic therapeutic way of living life...meek, tender and mild yet powerful through simple means of mediation and rules is your only saviour. Your ability to judge and scrutinize your life in the most positive of forms is your greatest weapon to combat any chances of a relapse.

A little note addressed to my reader. I don’t intend to be coming across as a fanatic or someone who is in a manic state of mind and cooking up a mixture of words and a concoction of rambling sentences or use any deeply religious ideologies. I have simply been through 6 years of a diagnosis where you live for each day with a unique hope of returning to normality. But what is normality? In cultures normality and normalization differ considerably. What may be accepted as an illness in some subcultures may be a taboo in others. Yes being medicated and keeping on the straight and narrows is a necessity born out of the effect of losing it with the mind. To put it Politely as not to offend the famous phrase 'losing your marbles for a split second' and delving into a world of psychosis, Mania, even schizophrenia where life can become unmanageable through organic means. I’ve tried in the past overcoming these obstacles through a hard look into myself and telling myself I am fine and in one click of the fingers fixing my disease, but that is a quick fix but this does not cure the medical side of things. It just hides and paints over the cracks. Which In turn Leads to a veneer of well being.

I have cried, denied, rejected therapy been at war with myself, my family, my friends and the world of pamphlet led organizations.
In this harsh time where it is said 1 in 4 people will suffer from any form of mental illness, in a world where we see even the most successful and sort after celebrity admit themselves into rehab clinics all across the world. Portrayals in media, books & even on the big screen exploring this issue, we must ask ourselves why does this happen and is the billions spent into research, relapse prevention techniques, occupational therapy, psychiatry all a waste of time??
Is this rhetoric all a bunch of Codswobble or is this a time even more so than ever before where cognitive therapy and assessment plays a key role in recovery.
In my belief system it is said that any form of disease be it of the heart, Liver, the biggest killer of all cancer is a test of one’s character and belief system. We all have a reason to live even those whom are at the end of their tether with life and want to take the easy way out and commit suicide. There is a reason to live be it for the sanctity of life or if anything for our loved ones. We are all sad at a time of illness, death and face a depression of the loss of life and go through a process of mourning. You only have to look at any hospital in the world where these things are the arena of play. Is Mental well being not a satisfactory reason for any taboos to be uplifted and openly talked about? Going back to my point of my belief system any illness redeems the human beings dependency and faith to a greater power and cleanses the soul and purifies the blackness and diseases of our hearts. Any human heart. The Love of this greater power is so intricate that one cannot even being to imagine the benevolence. If one tried they would be left flabbergasted. We are all born with instinct, feeling and deep emotion. We all live, enjoy, falter and in the end return to the dust. Life has a purpose even if this manic depression blinds us with no way out.
This theory and belief system is universal. We all have a choice of what we want to achieve since our inception. The evils of society prey upon us and many a time leave us dissatisfied with our life. We the masses crave for an easy life in the Hamptons yet chasing this leaves us at a loss. You only have to look into the phenomenon that is Hollywood. A tragedy right from its inception, where the rich and glamorous of the world population decay with time through drugs, fornication and alcohol.

I'm not cancelling out that success and Money leads to an abrupt downfall. Without a meaning & purpose, a tacit survival plan to support firstly ourselves and look after our family prosperously and earnestly life is an even bigger depression. We need to organize our lives so we can live without wanting the bare necessity. Living within your means greatly, however avoiding living beyond. Where does beyond stop? Everything has a beginning, middle and end. Be it a story, film, relationships, the gift of life Money and power. Can one ever have enough? Is enough...enough. It hardly ever is. And as time goes by and the world of genetics and technology hurry forward into the next generations the world has no breaks or time to breathe. There is a love of discovery, want & need. Supply & demand and this my dear friend can lead to a spiral of dark days ahead if it is not within ones control. We have to look at the bigger picture. Life waits for no one. By the passing of time man is in loss...except those who stay steadfast, honest and have a meaning of life to live forth.

Using a few simple yet poignant literary examples to explain this further I recommend as a simple starter pack to get the brain levels teasing, the character of Holden Caulfield in the catcher in the rye who subsequently leads to a mental breakdown due to his incapacity to fulfil the dream of 'making it in his own way' at just aged 17. Then we have Antony patch and Gloria Gilford whom live for a mammoth inheritance and pay out upon the death of a family member yet when they failed to grasp it through their own neglect they face a downhill spiral fuelled by Alcohol, big hopes and lose the most important value of all: the love they possessed for one another gets tarnished in complete dire straits. We can also study upon Jay Gatz and Tess who both suffer for their sins no matter how pure their intentions were.

Being a Manic depressive or becoming Bipolar have their independent journeys. Their DNA profiling is never the same from person to person. They can come from different walks of life and worlds yet there remains a confined grouping as to what it is that led them to become ill. It is most of all and illness of the mind and to cure this deeply for it to have any correspondence they must take the time and effort to cure the ills of their heart and subsequently reach a state of peace. It is a dwindling psychological road of no return and a life time of gloom leading to a road to perdition. There has to be a tenacious survival plan in place to combat this.

Sleep the one thing associated to everybody's idea of bliss, where we let our tired limbs limber up and rest & let our imaginations and dreams run wild where we do not want to wake up from acting out our subconscious fantasies and hate most of all to be woken up from plays a key role in maintaining a healthy regime of vitality. 8 hours on average a night and we feel refreshed and raring to go to pursue our daily lives. Yet lack of sleeping nourishment plays havoc with our mental state. Ignoring it for days on end even a week in tandem leads to our mental and psychical state being dishevelled. The circadian rhythms become loose and allow us to lack clear judgment of what we normally thought to be a walk in the park.
Ask me I tried it and ended up being diagnosed as clinically depressed through mania and being well paid for Bipolar. Due to this frenzy of over a week my thoughts became like a 1000 piece jigsaw and I still have yet to return to an au natural state of peaceful sleep without the stimulus of medication. I am taking what I like to label sleeping pills to hide the banality and awkwardness of declaring them what I have read to be 'anti psychotics'.

This in turn has been an experiment I often take. Missing my sleeping pills for more than 24 hours I am left weak, vulnerable, and physically unable to act out a normal routine and my thoughts become clogged up and restless. There is a major inability to do simple tasks and I feel like I am walking on thin air. If I carry this over to 48hrs I am at an all time low physically.
It is not a pleasant feeling knowing that your dependent on 3 coloured pills sold by the biggest pharmaceutical company in the main world and that you are the product of their success. The pills, medication, even call them placebos do reinstate the sleep that is so very much craved for at this point but after that there is a massive inability to do the things you wish. Waking up from this state is a challenge in itself. A kind of symptom likened to sleep inertia. You feel numb and without purpose until you have the means to enjoy upon an activity and this is carefully practiced by using the thing we call money and forgetting that your hampered and pinned down by these drugs and try to live a normal life.

It takes years to learn how you function and 6yrs in I think I have finally cracked it not only through personal experience but proven scientific facts. I can now back up why I feel a certain way and when I'm about to feel madly depressed. I know what stimulates my mind, body & soul required in order for me to live a normal middle ground life. Being Bipolar ;it is a self proclaimed civil war with being High and controlling this, especially when you skip your meds and holding yourself above the parapet when you feel low, hoping not to sink any lower. A war of two worlds. The battle ground between some good & some evil. The middle path, a diplomatic path which we all strive to attain be it the unwell or the healthiest human being is a cathartic and sacred art of life in which we can prosper yet so little of us achieve this successfully.

Living with Bipolar can be and is tricky yet after years of family support and understanding, because it was a new realm for mine, help from support workers, GP’S, and willing psychiatrists and therapists, I can say I have found a way out of this tangled cobweb yet all is not over. There is a long road ahead and a major way to go. I have overcome to the fact that the medication is a stigma and to no avail have I or can I stop this incessantly. I will just live each day and guide as many followers into the path of what it feels like to live with Bipolar and psychosis pre- present- & post care. It doesn't develop over night. The seed of a major breakdown comes in short felt warnings oblivious to the person overcome by it and through no fault of their own inexperience or of their family around them the person suffering from this not so widely and exclusive to the topic.

I am not using any book to plan this short biography. There is no plan to writing from the heart & mind. It just pours out unremittingly. I guess I’ve always had a passion for the spoken and written language. I'm not claiming to have poetry in my fingertips. It is just a deep insight into the bipolar mind map. Being Creative is a side prominent in bipolar sufferers. Some peoples creative side comes from Smoking Drugs yet this side is innate just left untouched. When prodded and poked and called upon it is a magical state. A controlled high of emotion which can be detrimental if you stop taking your medication suddenly for over 72hrs. So there are certain things bipolar people cannot do and this is neglect there mental state of mind. Because once to let this go your psychical state becomes tarnished. You spend a week wallowing in pity, undressed, unshaven, and unwashed and lacking the ability to contain normality. This may happen because you feel down but ask yourself why. Is there something lingering in your state of mind that makes u feel this way. Money or lack of it & relationships are the two big ones for me.

To fight this you need a level head, healthy well being, prominent sleep and taking of prescribed medication. I know that if I miss my medication I'll end up staying awake at ungodly hours and having a reversed sleep pattern which in turn leads to a state of self pity and neglect. This feeds into the lack of money and failed relationships. So it is like a domino effect.

I'm battling for a sense of control in my life be it through activity and exercise regimes, social meetings. Not living for the moment. Getting out there in the wider world and rediscovering the person I was. Feeling confident with an air of self belief & not feeling that everyone is and was beyond me and I was and am beneath everyone I knew who have achieved what I thought I'd achieve by 22. Why was it me that was hampered by this illness?
I am dealing with this and have all these ideas of making myself better and returning to work & university but for now this my friends is the arena of the University of Life. No1 can teach you how to be bipolar.

We are the unique gentleman’s/ladies underground club exclusive to a different way of life. The government supports us and there is major movements and support groups which help us frequently. Organizations and people whom we can talk to about our problems and they are willing to listen. However the buck stops at us. We need to possess the ability to shape and manage our problems because these gaunt organizations leave us to our own devices after some time. Prominently we have the key to our survival not them. 

Talking a simple communication helps. We let go and share our issues. Counselling, therapy a joining of hands and congregations are all important factors to recovery. 

One always has to look over their shoulder to face any onset of relapse but this is in little doses. We need to research our illness and even write down how it affects us to fight it. Just like I have done here today and many a times before.

Please let's not let Bipolar rule and dictate our life. I mean what the hell does it mean anyway. Bi- two opposing ends...for goodness sake aren't we all sometimes happy, sometimes sad. Sometimes hungry sometimes glad. Okay I understand that bipolar is the extremity of mood yet we can't live thinking we are and have this forgone conclusion because that’s losing hope and leading to a life of giving into these ideologies whom medication and no medication to calm nerves is a way of controlling the masses and making dollars . We are all beautiful people and have so much potential. Yes we have had and have our problems. Every single one of us have. Even people who have not been diagnosed with bipolar may just be depressed. There doesn't have to be a diagnosis for you to feel like this. There are no tickets to this ball. Just a short fall beyond gravity which allows us go from the realms of normality to insanity for a brief moment In time but for that fall we pay for it with years taken away from our lives.

We can do this. We can become US. Not products of a medicated drowsy society impregnated by therapy and drugs to keep us quite. We need a middle ground a middle earth. We were never always like this. This thing is born out of a in touch and out of touch with reality notion. We can reset our body clock, do a system restore and live a good life. Yes it happened to us but it made us stronger. What doesn't kill u makes u stronger and by the grace of God we are and can be winning. xXx