The notebook derives from a letter that I wrote to my ex Girlfriend after she cheated on me. I left contact with her from October 2009 to March 2010. But then I realised that I'm not mad at her anymore and want to be friends at which she replied I don't wanna know anymore. So yep. You could say this was the last hurrah and since then all communication has broken down. She did ring me in October last year for 2hours but after that left me in the cold and ceased contact, to which I still have no idea as to why. Nevertheless I am happy with my life without that friendship. I'm over her now :-)
You were the best thing I thought that had happened to me. I sit here in this lonely hour cursing how you were taken away from me. Many months have passed & I hate myself for being the perpetrator towards the end of even a chance of rekindling a friendship with you. Too watch you in the arms of another man, smiling, laughing and enjoying life as we both once did scares me to bits. I have days where I would like to call you, forsake my pride and ask how you are and hope that I could for once not be mad at you for what happened. It’s not that I hate you because you were once the best part of me & all I now have are memories. Beautiful memories...tarnished yet they still remain. Its tough living life without you, however I seek solace in knowing that you are happy. I am not bitter anymore nor do I feel resentment toward you. I’m just glad that I could proudly say you were once mine, and not for what has come to an abrupt end. I don’t even feel like sharing these thoughts with you. Primarily because I don’t what to come across as the weaker person whose longing for you. Much to the contrary.
Just upon hearing your sweet voice again will make me weak. Weak because you still hold a part of me in my sub conscience. But I know that I will not allow myself to go through such impairment. I know I am not strong enough to withstand such a beautiful voice without connecting the musical notes and rhythms of pain, regret and longing. I’m not saying that I miss you, although that theme may come across as you read this. You may laugh at me and think what a stupid fool. And I say that to myself as I write these words.. What on earth am I doing?! It’s hard for me to go on writing this pointless accumulation of words. Pointless for you maybe, but not for me. Why write someone, something so personal with them having mock you for such absurdity is a question that I will never be able to answer. Mainly because I never had an answer the first time round.
I admit I was deeply in shock when I heard about you and your boyfriend. At least you had the decency to honour him with such an accolade as I did not receive such privilege. Leaving that aside, I reacted in the spur of the moment and said things which hurt you, I don't expect you to apologise to me because I really don't need the pseudo sympathy. I am a stronger man now and I apologise for my actions. I hold firm belief in knowing that you and him will be happy together, and that I was just a thorn in your side. Now that I’ve been out of your way for many months I’m sure you have made strides in your relationship. He’s a very lucky guy. Yet, I refrain myself from giving you my blessings because I have my pride at stake. I knew I was losing you that evening in September and I felt helpless to the fact that I could do nothing about it. I tried by ‘warning’ you but how can you stop someone you hold so dear to you from falling in love with another. I use the word love reluctantly again because I was warned not to use such a lexis in our relationship. Yet you used it to express what he felt to the very person you denied from using it. Some may call that unfair. I refuse to comment.
I guess there is no conclusion. I’m living my life and you are living yours. We haven’t said a word to each other for months and I don’t know why I had to break the silence today or this morning for me. The wounds of our battle have without a doubt healed. Yes, there may be scars but they’ll eventually prevail. I don’t show nor hold animosity towards you. But I can’t say the same for your boyfriend. I don’t think any man could. I just know that you’re growing up and will one day become the successful woman that I always knew you would. You will be the envy of every single girl and the envy of men. I hold my head up high and thank whichever greater power that had brought us together and say to you that I am sorry on my part for all the mistakes that I have made with you. I thought about emailing you this letter, but I know it wouldn’t have the same effect, so I thought about this and I felt that I’d rather write to you send it in a nice red envelope as it is a motif of 'Love' but I use that word as an insult nevertheless murder, blood, pain and sexuality, romance ,virginty all symbolise the colour rouge ( wasn't that one of your favourite ; Lancôme juicy rouge tutti fruity).. You may have noticed in this letter there is not one mention of bollywood lingustic. Mainly because you had or may have a diary full of it. This is by no means a follow up or sequel.
At least that way, my words get as close to you as possible. But my common sense kicked in and without wasting a trip to deliever it by hand unexpected I decided to call you or get in touch. Although sadly I didn't get a response, you left me no choice but to relive past occasions where I'd email you my feelings, even though this is a method absent to the feeling you would have got having this letter tangible in once what we called our matching hands.
I have no knowledge in knowing whether I’ll ever see you again or hear that charming angel like voice, although I heard you utter the most coldest Hello when you rang me soon after you realised you hurt me, but that was your attempt to make yourself feel better for the crime of passion you committed. Which in turn made me think toward your lack of sincerity. But leaving that aside I just felt that I had to do my part. Although I have overcome difficulties in doing so.
I guess I’m sorry for acting in haste back in October, when you said you wanted to talk to me and I refused. I’m not condoning such an act but maybe I was torn to pieces and I had to escape from anything to do with you, for my own sanity. You said I was cold hearted but maybe I say in response that there’s definitely an icebox where my heart used to be. Maybe because life and love, two beautiful juxtapositions had dealt me this blow and I didn’t want to face up to the raw pain that I felt and to me, escaping from everything to do with the girl that I loved with all my heart and soul was the best thing to do.
I hope everyone at home is good. Mum, Dad, Gloria, Steve gorgeous Scarlett...the one that’s in Gloria's Belly although he must be due by now! Ruby, my hero Warren my beautifulness Jake his sister the one you didn’t take to Robin I think lol...and your beloved sister Sheila. Hope I got everyone there...i’m missing someone.. Katie! You do have an amazing family Praise the Lord. I’m not going to say that I’d love to be a part of it nor say the things I used to, mainly being ‘that I would love to be reunited with you in the next life and that you’ll have to be my wife’, because I have not forgiven you (I laugh as I write that), nooo I have forgiven whatever it was that I was mad at you for. Although you’re still Fugly! You always did have a nice collection of unique words. Maybe that is what I found so alluring about your personality, that you were so unique.
I guess I've had a chance to get things off my chest and I do hope that we can be adults about this. (Smirks at you, looks into your eyes, searches those big pretty brown eyes & looks for a response) lol! So I don’t know if I’m saying that we can be friends because I find that hard to imagine. Yet as well as saying that I will be happy enough for you to call me & catch up, but to be honest I know that you are just happy where you are. That is, without me being the thorn in your life. And I suppose I can carry on without your annoying voice bugging me! So I shall just leave that question out to dry. I don’t recommend it as you will do my fucking head in mentioning your boyfriend every minute and that will just piss me off. I ‘m not promising you or myself that it’ll be the way it was. That we’d have such natural conversations for hours because then your poor flower will not be fed and watered and he’ll die! I’m talking about your poor boyfriend! Okay sorry I’ll try not to sound too harsh on THAT! Ooops I did it again I guess I’ll just shut my mouth. But hey, erm I just hope that your read this and that’s all really.
You’ll probably not want to speak to me anyway but that don’t make a difference because it’s been a long time since we did. Knowing you, you probably won’t even read this. Don’t worry I’ve got a back up copy for myself because intentionally I wrote the beginning to myself as a thought but then it developed into a masterpiece lol! It’s weird how this letter has started out all a bit gloomy and ended on a vibrant note. But at the same time, I don’t want you to forget that whatever is written is the truth and how I feel right now as I write this. Precisely at 6am 7/02/2010.
I
t was just supposed to be a thought that I’d write down on my Blackberry which I did and now that thought has formed into a letter and its funny how as I write this I begin to laugh and joke with you like we once did. So maybe these words are a therapy in understanding you and not hating you. Your still a human being with feelings and emotions and whatever you did I understand now that you did it for the betterment of both of us. I’m glad you’re happy even though I am not in the picture. We had some beautiful years. Ups and downs and yes I have finally broken the silence.
A part of me says that I should continue writing because it’s been ages since I last talked to you. I fondly remember how we could chat for yonks about anything. Maybe if I miss something about you, that would be it. Our natural chemistry. But I also know the stubborn, impatient Sarah J who (whoa that’s the first time I’ve written your name in ages)... who gets bored easily and is probably fed up right now with this letter. Well if you are then just text me and let me know that you’ve received it and read it. If you don’t know my number or deleted it by now just like I’ve deleted all your numbers but still can’t bloody forget them Mobile : *********** Home: *********** (I hope I made a mistake!)... Then shame on you if you don’t know mine by heart! And then you can curse me for writing such dribble just like you used to. Well that's impossible because I'm editing this letter and I've just spent all weekend trying to call you & you have blatantly rejected my calls!
It’s hard trying to conjure up our memories, maybe because of all that’s happened. But you know what...I’m not bitter anymore. I’m happy knowing that you’re happy. And if in some distant place in the future I were to see you, I’d smile at you with joy and remember what a lovely, gentle, caring human being you are. You’ve no doubt got a good heart and I can no longer fault you on it. Even though I felt short changed, I’m over it now.
Time is a great healer. Maybe that’s why it’s taken me so long to be amicable with you. I hate sounding like.... ‘You’re the one that’s wronged me’, and I know your clearly over me living your new life so there’s no point in really talking about the past. So yeah I do offer my hand in reconciliation & I’ve got a Caramel Mocha and your bloody biscotti with your name written on it, waiting for you, ( please tell me the one you actually want, not the packet one that I got), silly girl you should have told me I was wrong about it all them times! That’s the thing about you, you just keep those little things to yourself and it annoys me!..Well it did.
Oki Doke I’m going to bid you farewell now because I’ve been here for over an hour thinking about what to say and I could go on forever but I don’t want you to start redeveloping any feelings for me lol. Don’t worry I haven’t started getting back feelings for you (just remnants of memories seared in my head forever. because I still fucking Hate you....NOT!! I could say heart but You've taught me never again to be emotional when it comes to women and I thank you for that) Lol so yeah I’ll leave it up to you on what you want to do and I’ll be happy with whichever decision you make. Take care.
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