I once wrote......

I once wrote about friendship, love, & what it feels like to be loved and give love. Yet I rarely envisaged myself finding something so pure. I embarked upon a journey of self discovery & on this epic travel through the vast vicinity of time and space I discovered you. The you I write of has no connection with any other tale I told the world about. They were just precious detail to me that I had to note down in order to save myself from myself. Life dealt me my first blow in terms of passion, betrayal all in the name of what you call love. It cheated me, she cheated me yet without such a harsh, draconian lesson I wouldn't be here today. Friendships became stale and what you call the rites of passage prevailed and I had lost that dear friendship I have named the wife that eluded me. You see life, love and laughter are god given rights to mankind. They come with ups and downs. Some people lay their life down for such courses. Some are worthy and sacred of course. Yet this life, my life as I see it now on this breezy blue sky morning has led me from trepidation to reality.

Things have a way of working themselves out. It isn't me who planned out every intricate detail of living and prepared me for what I will face or hope for. I am just a man with a good heart and intent. I want to be successful in all aspect of life yet to do that I've gone through and will go through the toughest tests of character. Things don't happen by accident. It wasn't by accident that I met her, warmed to her and felt at peace with her. I didn't fall for her upon 'first sight'. There was no niggling factor which I face today. Five strong years. From My epic breakdown only to be carried and brought back to life in an instance. I'm afraid of falling in love again. The love I experienced was nothing like this. That was magic and carefree. Although it hurt me it made me stronger yet in a way has crippled my ability to attach myself to something pure and a god given sign.

I've acted out my worldly desires in a short space of time. Yet why is it that I won't allow myself to be with you? I do dote on you, I care about you and don't ever want to let you down. I just won't allow myself to fall in love with you. Falling for someone Is easy I've played that game before, but it took me 5 years with you and when I felt a chain reaction I felt something...something true. I've never felt so at one with life , beauty and nature like the way I felt for you in that moment. It was like we'd known each other all our lives (which we do) but similar to how it is when you meet someone for the first time. It was love at first sight, our first chemical romance moment lingering yet I am so afraid to test that time bomb again.

I've known you for all my adult life and why was it that when I was sat with you your head touched mine, your hair brushed mine and your hands joined mine that there was a spark. Is it convenience, is it true. Feelings locked away in a subconscious realm that can only be accessed when the time is right. Was that a sign of a connection deeply embroiled in a century of friendship? They say you should learn from your own mistakes...but I learn from others mistakes so giving this friendship another meaning would rid me of a life of pain suffering and hurt. Only because I have been given a gift, So delicately poised & wrapped, pastel colored and oozing in aromatic bliss. You can't choose who u fall for. You can't choose who you befriend. If we did we would be so indecisive with who to trust and who is right for us? The fact is I didn't choose you nor did you choose me. I was given you and somehow you crept into my heart and set off something so pure that I cannot bring myself to act upon it.

I'm scared. Scared of losing you, scared of not being able to give you a life that you long for. I'm most afraid of resting my baggage upon your shoulders because I've been taught a lesson...never to depend on anyone because of disappointment. Where does that fit into the psyche of marriage? Isn't that an act of worship where upon you both depend on each other and build a life. If I am afraid of that then why do I see myself with you? You complete me. But I don't complete you because I want a taste of ecstasy. You want a life of marriage I want to delay that life and that is why I disregard falling in love with you. Love is a feeling so real that it can take you on a journey beyond time and space. It can send you to the higher levels of insanity and is potent because one drop can delude the human mind because it is felt by the heart. I felt that with you but the power of it was too much for me to even want to think about so I put a mind block on it. I can't say I blocked it out with my heart because it is enriched within my soul.

Things you do, things you say trigger responses and feelings that if I let myself, I can't control because it sends me in a place I've never been before. You touched my life and I yours but will I ever be able to repay you for that moment. you said on that cold summer night that say yes...be with me....make a life with me...try and let go of your negative detail about how were not ready and that we should carry on life as normal, as close friends like we have been for all those years without complicating and entangling our lives as one but don't you see???... I'm looking at the wider picture. Spontaneity is my forte but if that means getting involved romantically then I'm afraid we'd be doing more harm than good. I can't bring myself to say it but you are my soul mate. I feel it, I see it, I read it and I write it.

In hindsight, When I wrote you last spring even though feelings hadn't been submitted nor felt I wrote to you what it was like to have you in my life as a friend. If you told me one year on it would be a lot more than, I would never have believed you. Firstly because I am a gentlemen and it is not my nature too mix friendship with pleasure. And secondly, because I didn't feel that way inclined. Because my intentions were right...forces beyond our control somehow planted seeds of delight in our lives. one year on we've both been honest about how a month of interacting like we've never done before maybe because we were too blind to believe we could ever be compatible…has left us yearning to take the plunge and embark upon a relationship. I ask you again..why should we have that when what we already have is special and has been for all them years.

We've never really fell out nor have we ever really be romantically linked. Some strange desires which are only felt by my heart towards you make me yearn for your touch, for your smile and for your eyes to meet mine in a moment of pure craziness and for our souls to unite as one and touch my God given right. I don't know…. I really don't. Mainly because once that happens we won't be friends anymore. We shall enter into an unknown world. The years of getting to know you will be dissolved and seared into our souls because you would become my existence. It's not something I take lightly, but for God’s sake my heart is already beating just that bit faster and my body shivers’ as I concoct these words.

There not for you or for any being. I write not to woo you because I think I've already done that. I write for me. I need to ask myself how I really feel about you no matter how much I deny it to the world and me. Do I love you? I feel something. Do I know you? Yes I do. Do you know me? Yes you do. Do I see a future with you? Yes I do. Do I think about you? Yes I do in song & in Art. So why on earth have I filled out myself denial questionnaire in the most positive of ways yet still won't say that I want you and to give things a go. If only we could have the best of both. You’d be my best friend and soul mate and my embodiment. Why do feelings that make us psychically ache for one another like it is an illness without cure get in the way of a sordid, spontaneous wild affair without attachment? Is it because I have fallen in love with you.

I'm a helpless romantic. I want to take you by the hand and profess the way I feel about you to d world. We've been on romantic dinners, trips to the theatre and beyond. Why am I afraid to look you in the eyes and kiss you with my eyes closed and feel something utopian. Fine go…..go be with someone else, I'll get over you because I never allowed myself to be fooled by emotional drama. I hang on tenterhooks as I write that because I'm walking a tightrope. Simply because if I let you go then I will always ache for you to be in my life as a friend and you won't be there. you said it yourself..I won't wait for you... I don't want to live a life of longing and looking back at what we could have had. two best friends falling for another gradually when it became right a 5 year process.

By me writing this I'm answering the questions in my own mind. If it took us that long to realize then why would waiting another four years impact anything. If I'm still the same person then so would you be. you'd be so much  better. You are all the women in the world for me. I don't see us breaking what we have which Is a mutual friendship...it can only be built upon and form as a rock. And you can't break a rock so easily. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I wasn't meant to write this but that phone call made me realize that you are the one. Not on a romantic level because that is there. I mean on a foundation where I would want to spend the rest of my life on. Were young too young to be considering acts of being married. We need to take small steps. No commitments, no heartbreak or ache, no living in each other’s pockets and no strings attached. We have to test the waters and if this is what I feel it is...true love for the sake of the lord who hath brought us together and crossed our paths then I'd be willing to give it a try on the basis that knowingly deep within my thoughts and feelings is spending the rest of my life with you. If that's not the case then at least we tried and will remain friends and find what we thought we found in one another, in somewhere else because the beauty of love is that its universal. I believe in Love. 

Inspired by a poignant Love Story‏

The Following is from http://lizakane.wordpress.com/2011/04/07/i-carry-your-heart-with-me/#comment-663 Which reads:

Hey Liza,

What a lovely poem to choose for the man you love. I remember when I first read that poem, I yearned to feel that way about someone. And then 6 years ago, that someone walked into my life. He became my best friend, and we were inseparable during medical school – but little did I know, he wasn’t just my best friend, he was my angel. I know this sounds absolutely made up, and sickly sweet…but he actually saved my life. No, not just saving my life by becoming the reason for me to live (that too, actually)…but actually reviving me in a moment where I could not breathe! The whole world around us told us “You two are soulmates! Again, why aren’t you two together?” And we always replied the same way, “What we have is perfect, you can’t enhance perfection – we don’t want to change anything about the way things are!”

But the fact is, we were scared. We’d both been through so many relationships that fell apart, and some were very painful – so we’d both built a wall around ourselves. We’d both become complacent, content with being single. And yet, even in our loneliness, we were together. Years passed, and we denied ourselves anything more than a platonic relationship – continuing to try our hands at relationships with other people, and never succeeding. And then, medical school was over, and we returned to our subsequent hometowns (he to Chicago, and I returned to Los Angeles) – and that’s when we both truly realized each other’s worth. After being apart, and pining for each other, and missing each other for almost two years, I met up with him in Chicago when I went up there for a convention. And just laying there in each other’s arms…I realized, that although there was a wall around my heart, he’d been the only one who I’d allowed access to, within those bounds. He didn’t have to break down the wall…because he was never outside of it. And I turned to him, and told him, ” I love you so much, and I’ll never find someone who loves me like you do – so I guess I’ll never get married!” And he simply turned to me and said, “Well, then marry me!”

I am sharing with you, something that he wrote to me last year in October.

“There is no love, no bond, or connection stronger than what we have. The fact that I get to experience that in my lifetime, the mere thought of it, makes me smile. There is nothing about our relationship which can be said is normal – but knowing both you and myself, that is no surprise. I just wanted to say thank you for allowing me to feel loved so completely, and so wholly accepted. For seeing all that is ugly and never making a face or turning away. I love you Hira, and I thank you for teaching me it’s okay, normal even, to tell people that.

Your best friend, your partner in crime, and forever and always, your vigilant angel,
Adeel Siddiqui”

I share this with you, and anyone who has ever doubted love. I had given up on it, and then there it was. He was just a friend…and now he is my world! I pray, I honestly pray that EVERY ONE is able to experience that – because that feeling is unmatched by any other emotion in the world! 

Inspired by a poignant Love Story‏

Upon reading your humble and heartfelt insight into what I can only describe as a blessing and meeting of hearts, I am inspired to share with you something I never thought about in such clear and vivid detail. You’re subtle and poignant words struck a nerve with me Last Night and I felt helpless. I began writing what a Friendship embarking upon a true and tranquil journey felt like for me. I to this day do not know what possessed me to write such a deep and profound letter of emotional expression to which I can only describe at that point Last February a close friend. Listening back to a voice note I recorded reading that Letter at that moment in time served no purpose. But now I comprehend it was to share it with the future. 

Everything has a reason and a consequence yet I was oblivious to the full extent and impact of writing such a passionately fuelled letter. Things between us back then were difficult. I took advantage of the friendship and used it as a pretext for when I got lonely and bored. I hardly kept in contact through no fault of my own, but now I understand my life isn't exactly plain sailing. I take a breather and envisage how a year has completely changed our friendship. We've both become older, wiser & mature with time. Even though then I didn't understand how one letter to describe my gratitude toward the subject on a completely platonic level would be used as a catalyst to actually describe and discover my deepest kept secret I now fathom. 

I've learnt now that I have completely fallen for her yet I am content because we haven't crossed any boundaries. We've both declared that we dote on one another and hold each other in such high regard. We've confessed that we would Love nothing more than to be together yet haven't committed any physical sin which would entail that we were or will be bound to each other.

They say that when you kiss your souls connect. Yet our souls have already connected on a deeper level. We are in sync intellectually; we understand each other’s needs. Yes there may have been times when we do ache to be held by each other subconsciously. Our hands may collide together; our hair particles may rub off on one another and create a static charge. We can enter into a visceral vortex of invigorating chemistry yet I am not willing to tarnish this friendship and exchange it for a carnal desire. It’s too pure; it’s too meaningful and cathartic to be bloodied by a crime of passion. 

I may have slightly digressed from the subject however I do apologize as this is an account of what is so enriched within me. Your Story has been the spark & ignition to describe the best of relations. To start as friends and End as Lovers. This feeling isn't one born out of an overnight scorn of affection. Much to the contrary. It is patience, perseverance and being at one with each other’s inner self that hath created such a beautiful connection. A meeting of minds, a psychical attraction and an empowering joining of the souls. Enamored souls. You use the word platonic and that may be one way to describe it. Well it was clearly that way Last February. 

We'd spent lots of time together prior to when I wrote her. I clearly liked her but there was no jena se qua. I first came across the infamous feeling of being helpless as I walked her home one evening not so long ago.
Something about her, something so unreal and subtle ate away at me and I could hear myself uttering the most nonsensical nonsense. I was actually trying to explain to myself that falling for this girl whom I consider my best friend would be the undoing of me and the loss of a friendship. Attaining her in a promoted role would be such an uphill battle and one that I would not be willing to come to the forefront for. 

It ate away at me for two weeks. Until forces greater than ourselves drew in and she declared her Love for me. There was certainly something there. It had lingered in my mind without having expressed it; therefore it most certainly was on her mind. 

Looking back now as I haven't met with her nor talked to her much I think crossing the boundaries and starting a relationship would be our downfall. I know she is complete and most probably the best woman I am likely to come across yet I am not willing to try it out and then let go if things become tough. I have too much going on and as a kind gesture I am not prepared to spoil any chance of a future that we may have together. 

In hindsight that birthday Letter may have been the pieces in our jigsaw puzzle that will take time to develop and enrich in Love. I don't know how I uttered such words of delight toward her. Maybe if I bare all I feel my words back then were empty. But that was then and now when I look back, read or hear my token of appreciation I have jitters because I know now that it has been consummated in the most realistic and platonic of ways. 

I wanted to do something special when I wrote to her. I wanted it to impact on her and forgive me of any sin or wronging I may have committed. Was it an unspoken love? An unspoken subconscious feeling which had never come to the fold. Or more fittingly a plantation of what was to come and is impending. So I hope. I wanted to create something romantic. Something bona fide & something unique. So I covered the letter with tea bag and coffee stains and burnt the edges. It had a vintage aged look. We both possess class. She warms my insides and maybe is the one.

To be frank and cavalier I want to see other people. I know you wrote about how you both saw others and wanted to carry on a single life without complications and maybe that is what I want to do. I know how severe and savage relationships can be. I promised myself I would not enter another one. Why spoil what we already have. Have we entangled each other in emotional distress that being with other people would hurt one another? I don't mean going out of my way to find other women but enjoy and materialize with the women I already have in my life whom I have yet to meet, yet share such a great appetite for life with. 

I know what we have is real. I've know her 6 years and we've spent so much time together. Its tangible and I know everything about her. She's local. We mingle in the same social circles. Culture isn't an outcry. I've been let down by girls in the past who were lost causes and have wasted so much time, effort and energy with complete strangers. Yet why is it that I am scared to begin something with someone which I feel can be utopian and go a long way. Is it my age? Is it my inability to carry myself with glorified pride. Or is it because of my considerate nature. I don't want to ever hurt her. Maybe I can't be held down with my best friend and Lovers reliance upon me. Until and unless we share a moment of passion we shall never really know if it is just a feeling born out of dependency and familiar grounds. 

I don't want to sacrifice a friendship for a Boyfriend & girlfriend relationship yet I don't want her to be let down by trolls and foolish guys. I can handle myself when it comes to the women in my life but I know what our species are like and don't want her to get hurt again when I know and feel I am the perfect guy for her. It sounds a lot like a catch-22 and what was at first just a response and a similar kind of pattern into how both Yours and My paths have crossed and become similar I am at war with my desires and my loyalties as a friend. 

The best and most weird feeling here is that we've both talked about the way we feel about each other. We unknowingly looked at the positives and negatives of being together and maybe that is special. We've spent a limited amount of time in passion filled declarations of how we feel about each other and if these conversations were to take place in person holding one another and gazing in each other’s eyes, cheek to cheek without concealing or not confessing how we felt; then there would be a crimson realization.

I feel I'm taking the mature approach because I don't want our Love to suffer a dire and abrupt end. Yes there's magic, sparks, adoration & bliss but the underlying factor is that we are best friends. Last spring I wrote about being with you and toyed with the idea. My words were cold and flat and you certainly deserved more than that. Yet with that scripture already dealt with I feel that spending so much time with you this February for your birthday and then mine has brought us closer. I was shocked that you told me you had a major thing for me for 2 years but never told me. In fact I admire you for telling me now because the feeling is most certainly reciprocated.

I never knew or thought that I'd fall for you. I feel strange now because I'm talking to her through you. I just wandered off on a tangent. Your compelling tale has taught me so much. Your Love is true and I am blessed to be able to share it with you. In this little time I have known you; you have taught me so much. You've touched my life and giving me a paramount sense of courage, belief and hope.

Writing this after deleting my original thought and feeling lackluster about it and actually feeling a physical pain because I will not be able to express this how I originally intended has now passed me by. You said write from the heart and not to exert myself into thinking what I originally wanted and I have followed that advice. I owe u so much. You’ve given me the ability to not be scared of expressing myself through the spoken and written word and sharing it with the world. You've touched me from within and I pay homage to you. Even though you are so far away in miles, across the Atlantic and hidden away from my sight you are truly an amazing being. 

When I first told you about that special one in my life and was honest as to say that she's not mine yet and that's the way we want it I had no idea your story and your experience would have such an impact on me that I'd write back my feelings. Your comment left an open wound. It opened my eyes and taught me the true value of friendship. I just hope we can grown and learn from one another despite you being in LA and I in Manchester. Maybe one day you'll even meet the girl who I christen this letter in the name of. Halima. Wow you both have the same Letter as your first names. I never realized that till just now. Even if we don't end up being together I'll still remember how you gave me a platform to express the meaning of a friendship between a boy and a girl. How it is more special than any other kind of relationship. How it can be Platonic and eternal.

The other Letters and stories I've written don't compare to this. They were in the past and that is where they shall stay. This one is ongoing and in regard to my present and future. One which I hope you shall be a part of and likewise I hope to be a part of your on goings with Mr. Enamored soul.

I shall now bid you adieu in the name of Love, friendship and the meeting of minds. xXx 

18/4/2011 1:47am I just herd this song on Magic 1152 & It touched an intricate nerve within the Soul & I thought I'd Share it as a homage to this Poignant Love Story I wrote.

My First Short Story inspired by a Woman Entitled, What would your perfect day Look like?

Waking up to Breakfast in my duplex apartment to the sound of Talk Sport Radio..& a cooked breakfast made by a gorgeous girl wearing her shorts and my Shirt. It would look so damn hot on her walking around bare foot. While i do my Patrick Bateman Exercise Crunches. I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if my face is a little puffy I'll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an after shave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion. (Gosh I’m more girly than you with all my products..well i got that paragraph from my favourite film and actor Christian Bale)..no peeping or else u can join me..oopz this aint fanfic this is formsprings lol.

Followed by a double espresso and Cigarette on the balcony with the slight breeze refreshing my lightly tanned skin. The weather outside was delightful. The rays of the sun were apparent with the rays warming the spotlight. Watching day time TV and Catching up on Mad Men while she watches Her fix of Merlin (Lol i fort of u because your d only person i know on here).

I'd get dressed, today I chose a grey suit, paired with a Slick Black skinny tie accessorised by my tie bar and snazzy pocket square and choose tanned Jeffery West shoes &  Purple Antony Morato Shirt carefully ironed by my Fitty, now wearing her irresistible negligee. A black laced Bra with red hemming, One I chose from the delectable collection at La senza. While i check my Emails and organise any Meetings of clients I may have the following week, my attention is quickly drawn away and my eyes lustre upon the woman I talked about in the beginning of this explanation of what my perfect day would consist of.

She is casually coifed in a 60's Blue floral printed dress with a faded white backdrop and a ribbon (which would come in handy for later), Red Stilettos with a patterned rose on the edge paired with a glossy red hand bag. She looks vintage with a veneer of class and possesses suaveness & vitality only a woman of her diligence could attain. She walks towards me gaining in appearance as each foot crosses the other. The Sound of her heel touching the mahogany wooden floor would turn heads right across Broadway.  As she makes her way to me and sits upon my lap with her luscious, shimmering legs crossed she seeks approval. I feel her well curled blonde locks and compliment her on the way she has styled it, gracing her set of diamond earrings with one fell swoop.

She stares me in the eyes and says wittingly as she makes a flirtatious fetching noise with her top lip landing on her bottom lip, " How does this shade look to you." It was from the Tom ford collection I surprised her with on our 4th meeting. A carved out box containing 12 pastel private blend collected colours, ranging from a Nude right through to a sexy siren Pure Pink ( That made me weak in the knees), toward a sensual dark rouge tone. In this slight instance she was marked in the Cherry Lush, any Bridget Bardot figure would kill for. I was amazed at how glamorous she looked that I had to taste from the cup of beauty and the temptation than hindered Adam & Eve. We embraced for a series of final keeping up of appearances and delved into a foray of sort after locking of the lips.

After I pick her up by the hand grab for my Overcoat and Bond Aviators, we look back at our apartment and leave for a drive into town. As it was my day off and the weekend swift approaching I fancied taking my Figaro out for a drive with the top down. Blaring out 60s song we made our way to the afternoon matinee performance of an American Literature classic I was so looking forward to see as I read the novel many years ago. Gloria wasn’t one for Theatre although she did love the bravado and banter with the regular acquaintances we saw each time with the help of some cocktails at the swanky bar. It took you right back to the 50s In New York. She loved her Gin & juice while I had a palette for Mojitos. It was something I was well accustomed to. The aroma of all that freshly squeezed lime and pestle mint was the highlight of my afternoon.

As the play whittled down, and we prepared to leave our well viewed seats in the circle  we were both famished. We left the theatre and headed toward a fine eatery with window side seats. It was a mighty fine table with opulent views. It was pre booked in advanced as many young fellow take their hardbodies to entice them with such an appetite. For us it was a place to watch the world go by as two people who found what kept them happy and sane. To put it plainly, No strings attached friendship garnished with trust, loyalty and most of all making one another feel at ease. None of that love gibberish all the people succumb to. It wasn’t love at all. I recall on our second meeting, when the ice was more unless thawed and ready to melt away we had a rather interesting conversation which ran like this.

Gloria: SO you going to ply me with drinks and convince me what a terrible mistake I’m making.

Me: So, without making things worse, can I ask you a personal question?

Gloria : Don't you want to get a second drink in me first?

Me: Why aren't you married? As she was around 24

Gloria : Are you asking what's wrong with me?

Me: It's just that you're a beautiful, educated woman.

Don't you think that getting married and having a family would make you happier than all the headaches that go along with... fighting people like me?

Gloria : If I weren't a woman, I would be allowed to ask you the same question. And if I weren't a woman, I wouldn't have to choose between putting on an apron and the thrill of making my life and independence what I always thought it should be.

Me: So that's it. You won't get married because you find independence to be a thrill

Gloria : That and... I've never been in love.

Me: She won't get married because she's never been in love.

I think I wrote that once to sell nylons.

Gloria: For a lot of people, love isn't just a slogan.

Me: Oh, you mean love.

You mean the big lightning bolt to the heart where you can't eat and you can't work and you just run off and get married and make babies. The reason you haven't felt it is because it doesn't exist. What you call love was invented by guys like me to sell nylons.

Gloria: Is that right?

Me: I'm pretty sure about it.

You're born alone, and you die alone, and this world just drops a bunch of rules on you to make you forget those facts, but I never forget. I'm living like there's no tomorrow... because there isn't one.

Gloria: I don't think I realized it until this moment, but it must be hard being a man, too.

Me: Excuse me?

Gloria: Mr. Arshad

M: - Omar.

Gloria: - Mr. Arshad, I don't know what it is you really believe in, but I do know what it feels like to be out of place, to be disconnected, to see the whole world laid out in front of you the way other people live it. There is something about you that tells me you know it, too.

Me: I don't know if that's true. You want another drink?

Gloria: No. But you can tell your friends that you charmed me

Me: So I guess we'll be seeing each other again.

Gloria: I'll be back in my office Monday morning, do drop by for real meeting.

Me: I'd like that...call me

It was a funny sorter conversation which made her question who I really was. I mean we’d known each other about a year now and this second conquest kind of sealed the deal in my eyes. We both knew what we wanted, yet we both knew the difficulties in keeping things a yonder. However we progressed. Meetings became social, less formal. We’d have Pizza & movie nights, we’d go the pictures and do the mess around like love struck teen in the back seats. Many a nights we’d fall asleep on the telephone and have a vivid recollection of it in the morning. All the time we were spending apart had no resemblance on our ever growing, and I pause to stop myself from using the four letter foul word as this if ever pronounced upon the tongue would create a catastrophic end and plant a seed of scorn.

One time I was in a drunken stupor. I had lost my way a little and the ever present memory of a loved lost made me yearn for something tangible. I took a Taxi cab and called in on Gloria. She was shocked to see me in such a state.  I knocked twice with my knuckle so cold I could feel the wood through the door. Dressed in her silk blue dressing gown she opened the latched door and let me in. I spoke with guilt, ‘I know it’s late I’m  sorry,’.....Gloria ; ’I got your text’..... Let me in I said with my eyes crawling about the place.  Gloria; “ are you okay” she uttered worryingly.. No.. I said with a long pause...Gloria: “ you look terrible like death warmed up”. ..”Can I get a drink?”....Gloria : Course ..As she went to get me a neat Johnny Walker I hurried about the place... She asked me if everything went well at the doctors and said she could get a friend to give me call for another therapy session.  I’m fine I say as I take a less drunken swipe from my old fashioned crystal tumbler.  My hair all over the show..I say “ my Skin feels rough and thoughts unclear”.  Gloria replies with a sudden readiness...’I’m sorry. It hurts doesn’t it” ..Me: “What’s the difference...” Gloria: u don’t want to lose hope.

At this I see a crimson go light and approach Gloria and just Kiss her. She hastily replies...”come on don’t, what good is that going to do”..and I feel like a naughty school boy being put right.

She in her powerful demeanour replies with her hands by her side stush, “what is this , the solar eclipse, the end of the world, just do whatever you want.” Her words muddled me.  “I don’t know!”

Gloria: “Your exhausted , you need sleep, you need your pills” ....Me: “I just need to sit down”..

As I sit down on her chaise lounge, I look into my drink and say sit with me. To this she questions why..and I anxiously put to her that I feel as if she’s looking through me from over where she’s standing with her arms folded.  She denies this with I’m not! And gives a tut. As she walks toward me I hold my torn and tired face in my palms. Somehow the decor and lighting in her room calms me and bids me to speak.

“I don’t like feeling like this”. Gloria: “no one does.”  I carry on. “I remember the first time it had.. I must have been 15. My aunt and all were on holiday.  I remember thinking there letting me go through with this without a word. Everyone is hiding everything me from now.  And then I looked back over and it happened again at 17 and I saw all the same things like some kind of domino effect. And I remember thinking I’ve just moved up a notch.

Gloria paused and putting her hands on her knees said that she never heard me talk so much before.  As I moved to face her , she adds, “What do you want from me and nods her head.” I turned to her and say She knows , you know everything about me... to my surprise she disgusts me when she denies this and says vehemently “I don’t!”

I ignore her plea and sternness and reach for her chin and uphold her and kiss her in the mouth.  At this she questions my actions holding my handing and feeling my breathe upon hers. “You don’t want to do this. Not like this.You have other commitments to other girls go to them. At this I sense her hidden jealously.  I clench both of our hands and gasp, “Jesus, Gloria, this is it,  this is all there is,  I feel like its slipping threw my fingers like a hand full of sand.” I push her chest back and demand this is it,  this is all there is as to which she cries with a sordid tenderness as her eyes light up, ‘ that’s just an excuse for bad behaviour. ‘ I challenge her on this and look indolently into her dreamy green grey eyes and command, “you don’t really believe that. “ At this point both are hot aired breathes grasp on another and I can feel her incessant heart beating.  Our noses find each other like 2 mating insects mapping out their movements and at this instance we don’t hold back and kiss the taste of sweet youth before us. Her arm caressing my neck and holding it in place, I take and feel a quick stroke of her soft, golden blonde hair. Her head wilts back upon a read cushion and upon this mount of pleasure I pause. I hold back.

I look her in the eyes like a true gentleman and holding her tightly placing my hand on her upright keen & suddenly say with her hand upon my red hot cheek. “No, Not unless you tell me you want this” ... at this she glances toward my neck with her eyes wide shut and exclaims, in a sultry manner, “yes please”  At this the essence and embodiment of consummation is complete. They just took their minds and had sex with their emotions.

This was our first entire moment of being so close together that all our problems had been passed over to another realm. It felt right, it felt unique it felt real, and to this day it is seared in my memory. We never felt out of touch, or as if that night of passion was a mistake.  In fact it made us stronger ; yet love never lingered. If anything it never lingered because one day it would have been ripen and ready for a perfect life together, blossoming in all its glory and retreating all the dark days ahead.

 That my friend was our little flashback and hindsight. We had ravished our starters, watered down our main and headed toward a splendid dessert followed by digestifs. We then went for a brisk walk hand in hand taking in the air and all its beauty. These days were hard to come by as the distance or the long drive that separated us and our busy working schedules would hinder us to spend all of our days with one another. That being said we were content with what we had and any more or less would spoil our routine.

Gloria was now 24  and I 28. She kept me young, she kept me alive. We never embarked on commemorating our relationship. Never once did we talk to one another about committing, yet in the depths of the cold darkness when the clock struck a lonely hour of 3am, I sometimes tossed and turned in my bed and wondered what it would be like to be bound to Gloria. I would close my eyes and imagine myself locked away in a sanctum and the only thoughts in my mind would be Gloria, and the only words parched on my lips would be to see Gloria. It would often send me to sleep, this was when we weren’t fallen to one another over the machine....Love through a machine....The ever depressing words of Athlete , half light would send me to sleep yearning for Gloria. 

However today, the perfect day, meant no longing for Gloria, as she was the girl, the temptress, thefemme fatale that woke up beside and I am so glad we have a connection.  Before it was her & I connected to a satellite or more accurately a server, and here today she stands beside me with her arm pressed tightly around my waist.

After the walk we decided we would spend the early evening shopping. We went across to town and tried on high end perfumes and aftershaves with which we showered each other in heavenly smells. We then tried on different watches and bracelets as I always fancied a Jaeger-LeCoultre Reverso Classique watch. On the far side I see a stunning ruby necklace and place it on the bare neck of Gloria. She gasps in delight and looks at herself assuring herself in the mirror. Oh you Beauty! Without hesitation I get it packaged and we head out to the Spa on d 14th floor of the Beetham tower and gaze dreamily into each other’s gleaming faces. The question arises on both minds, ‘How boring would life be without two people who fully understand the others needs, yet we don’t speak it.’ We do the full treatment, Sauna, steam room, I do 5 lengths of the Pool and Join Gloria in the Hot tub Jacuzzi filled with rose petals as we sip champagne and feed one another Delightful strawberries and pineapple. After 90 minutes  of indulgence we both recover our senses with a full facial and Thai back massage.

Our minds are at one. Together souls in unison we drive back to the apartment and change into casuals. There is no shyness between us. We crossed that chapter early last spring. We strip off and walk about the apartment bareback and in pants. I make Gloria a hot chocolate just the way she likes it, marshmallows , whipped cream and a hint of Baileys Mint. I however opt for a Latte using an Italian coffee machine I found on my travels. I undo the balcony door and don my  dressing gown and reach for a Sobranie Black Russian and smoke away in pure bliss. Gloria is partial to smoking however takes a few puffs from mine to calm her nerve ends and get into a relaxed mood. We could stay in and watch a DVD however Gloria has grown tired of my movie collection and wants to go see a Romantic comedy at the Cornerhouse. I would rather see a foreign language film but because I had my say at the theatre she has hers.

It’s a diplomatic arrangement we have. Some friends amongst us joke that we are the cohabiting couple and expect little Scarlett’s and Tommy’s running abiout the place sometime soon. We just laugh these comments off yet I can’t lie to you dear reader the thought had crossed my mind. And let me tell you one thing. My dear Glory Gloria is of the brooding type. When she went over last Christmas to see my nephews and Nieces she was in awe and joked that she can’t wait to have ours. I just looked at her in total shock and a cunning horror. 

We left for the movie, I in my Polo top and Beige chinos and White Pumps and trim leather jacket and Gloria dressed down in Leather leggings, and a Pink printed vest T shirt , the pure pink Lipstick I so fondly had a thing for, light blue eye shadow and a hint of mascara. Her slender neck covered by a Louis Vuitton scarf with Cute Leather jacket and Green stilettos. Oh my she was like a walking picture post card.

As the Dark Dawn and the moon lit night drawn ever deeper we reached home. The film was passable and all in all we had a superb night. We even stopped off for a midnight snack of Chinese. Gloria still unfazed & looked a splendid treat. I however was vaguely fatigued and went to freshen up. As I came back undressed into something a lot more comfortable I reached for a Beer and put on some mellow music. I dimed the lights and sprung myself on the white leather custom made sofa and began reading a Fitzgerald Classic.  As I got into the conquest of Poor Gatsby and the love unconquered by himself and Daisy I saw Gloria take me by the hand and asked me to undress her and put her to sleep. I shut off the Lights and put on the bedside table lamp and began reading her The Beautiful & Damned. At this she asked me to make Love to her and this is where the story began. 2 Hours Later

Well Love is a glittering Lure. But there’s the rare occasion when the world can be engaged on a level beyond any feeling. If they have a sentimental bond with another. Are at peace with one another.  The most important idea in relationships is the discovery of something new and uplifting. It Creates an itch. You simply present your thoughts and ideas in someone. But there is a deeper bond with a human being. Nostalgia.

It's delicate, but potent. "nostalgia" literally means "the pain from an old wound." It's a twinge in your heart far more powerful than memory alone. This device isn't a spaceship, it's a time machine. It goes backwards, and forwards... it takes us to a place where we ache to go again. It's not called the wheel, it's called the carousel. It lets us travel the way a child travels - around and around, and back home again, to a place where we know are loved.

What would your perfect day look like?