To my Dearest friend,
Before you attempt to read this letter or opening of our novella I want you to do one thing. Rid yourself of your present and future obligations. Empty your mind of your Lover and concentrate on what I am writing. If at all possible turn off your main light, put on your table lamp in your newly decorated room & as if you were creating a romantic ambience. As though the light of the lamp reflected on these pages of our book. Ideally I'd like there to be scented candle light illuminating your room as you read this but pardon the romantic in me. I’ve written many touching things in my time. Though they were circumstantial, brought upon by longing or regret or a happy occasion. This is not one of them moments. For want I'm writing bares a nostalgic yet tangible memory. It is not out of pity, or misfortune because I am blessed having these memories from which I can thread sentences which will remain engulfed in your heart forever. I don't want them to be on your mind because I want you to have your lover on your mind.
Forgive me because I had no intention of writing this monologue. If you ought to know the truth I was on the loo having a cigarette whereupon a thought, an idea came to mind. 'Who do I want to be sat in Waterstones with, camped out on the red Costa coffee sofa spending my time reading F.Scott.Fitzgerald novels with while she reads her novel. There was only one being that sprung to mind. She was the only girl that had ever understood me and proudly I say, the only girl that will ever understand me. This wasn't an overnight lust of affection. Attaining a number and thinking I was in Love. This was a girl that persevered with me through many tumultuous years of vertigo. She is the subject of whom I have given my collection of thoughts to because our relationship can no longer linger on in tangible hope of one day reconciling because we said our final goodbyes face to face.
Truth be told she was engaged to be married so we had no choice but to end our colossal friendship. I hope you still have an open mind and have not ceased reading this because it would kill me having felt that you did not read this through to the end because you were weak or like my well documented ex couldn't handle these feelings of affection. Nevertheless what I came here to tell you, maybe close your eyes for a millisecond and imagine my presence beside you as I once stood a figure of a man in your room and we were oblivious to how our relations would come to an abrupt end. Much like Jay Gatsby and Daisy Buchanan, reminiscing on their time spent together. I'm not here to cause confrontation. Yet and idea has possessed my thoughts. I know it can never be real but that’s why we read books don't we. To escape our present and dive into a world of ficition.
However what I am writing isn't a work of fiction. It is real within a sense of control. Okay I have set the scene, the ambience and have knitted a great introduction maybe to which if Salinger and Gatsby were alive they'd be proud of. It’s not a love story to be blunt. Because the love I have for you is platonic. Yet, there have been times were I have felt an affection for you. Especially this year. All that time we spent together last fall and this year has made me realise that yes, I began to fall in love with you. Although no orignal sin like Luis Antonio Vargas & Julia Russell took place. It appears to me that I do hold a certain amount of sensual lust toward you. Its difficult to say how or when because this is the first time that I am afraid to see you because I would want to place my hand in yours much like Holden did with Jane Gallagher and not feel shy or feel that it was wrong.
These interpersonal feelings are sparked not because I am lonely and to put it grotesquely, 'horny' but because this is love. Today I have realised that you are a fine specimen of a women, a real women. I knew on our last and final date that I was besotted with you. Walking with you in Waterstones I felt secure. Oh God I think I have a tear in my. Taking you to the Apple shop for the first time I felt happy. Boots was as though we had a baby waiting for us at home and my mother was looking after it. I didn't feel like that then but it does now. It’s taken time to sink in. But that's what makes it all the more special. I can't do anything about how I feel because we said our goodbye’s formally and I walked you down the aisle metophorically with the sound of the Duke of Earl by Gene Chandler. And dining with you at Pizza Hut was a charming experience. When I look back in hindsight now & because I’ve never analysed that moment I come to the conclusion that we were in love....that fine Saturday. We looked at each other at total ease. When you listened to Skeeter Davis 'Gonna get along without you now' there was almost a tear in your eye. And today I have capitalized as to what that was. It was Love. And the regret of leaving me to battle on with my life without any intrusion.
I’ve never written something so passionately and vehemently as I am doing so right now. It makes me want to take you by the hand languidly with so much affection and consummate our first kiss that was never so much as thought about while we spent all of our years together. Just good friends we were and that's how I relationship lasted and ended. But now there remains regret. Maybe a guarded secret on my part. A scorn and cursing at the Greek Gods whom wrote our Romeo and Juliet. I'm not talking about looks because I am so attracted to you right now and have been ever since last autumn & winter. I just knew the limits and boundaries of our friendship and that thought has never crossed my mind so real as it is today. We are the same person. That's why we get on like a house on fire. We have the same intrests at heart. I'm not on about lavish partys and liquor and girls and urban apartments. I know that they are pursuits of mine which I will pursue. But I'm glad knowing that at the last hurdle I fell head over heels for my best friend.
I thankyou for making me feel like this. I don't care for looks and wealth. Spending all that time with you recently has rid me of the diseases of superficiality. In consequence I'm inclined to reserve all judgement. All that matters to me is the righteousness of the human heart and yours is one that I am in awe of. Only you the girl who gives her name to this monolouge is exempt from this reaction. You who represent everything for which I have an enormous amount of love for. If personality is an unbroken series of succesful gestures then there is something gorgeous about you. Some heightend senstivity to the promises of life. In you I have found an extraordinary gift of hope. A romantic readiness such as I have never found in any other being and which is not likely I shall ever find again.
Our relationship would have been consumed into marriage. It is what preyed on you, what foul dust floated in the wake of our dreams that closed out our Love for one another in the abortive sorrows and shortwinded elations of life. What I mean by this is Family, you wanting to get married early, my non readiness at taking you up on this thought because I am a man with nothing. I haven't wealth to give you. I have my own stately affairs for which I'm not ready for marriage. My dealings with God are not enough for you to accept me nor have I given a pound of flesh to deserve you. I want to live life, experience gaiety, romance, romps and highs. I am not the made man for which I apologise. I haven't achieved one thing in my life for your family to accept me. We come from different worlds. Your parents wanted contrasting things for you. I wish I was that made man. You’re Gatsby, but just like Daisy you can’t wait for me. You have your Tom.
I’ve never compared you to the Great Gatsby novel because I always compared how my ex ripped me off for her Tom. But you and I could have been great together. If you waited for me let's say just like your best friend who puts career first just like I and wants to marry at 26 maybe, If you were that type of girl without a beau that haunts you for marriage for many years as was the ongoing talk in your house then I would marry you without a second thought. I would ditch all my girl friends whom I share sensual talk with and never enter such a rotten state of affairs.
I would love you from dusk till dawn. We would be like Leonardo and Kate in Revolutionary Road without the abrupt end of life because I would love you forver and beyond. Not that I don’t love you forever and beyond today but in a more real sense of a loving vitality of a marriage. I would share the seeds of life and recreate such beautiful babies with you. Take your hand in labour and live a life of warmth, security, a beautiful terrace Chorlton house with a huge garden for the kids and barbeques on summer days and eveings with the elders on the patio and a dazzling driveway where I park my Figaro. I would be so happy and content loving you and breeding with you and enjoying an Islamic life for you and the kids just as you dreamt of.
For not one second could any women replace you, past nor present. Nor any buxom beauty for I'd be infatiuated with you. I know this, my feelings because of that time in the restaurant while we eyed on that risotto red pepper. Such a small moment created a vista of memories real and dreamy. And also all of the other times. I wouldnt be such a plastic of a man. Lifeless, who gets tierd when you put your arm against my shoulder and doesn't move it out of care and respect for you. No I would be the opposite. An exotic animal which such poise and eloquence that we would act out our own versions of classic literature. At one, at ease and at peace for our life would be filled with joy. Not longing for things which we wanted but we would learn to appreciate through our being together, through acts of love purely for the sake of our creator.
I’ve painted a majestic picture of how our life would be. It’s not fair of me to say we can recreate this in the next life because you will be with any man of your fancy. Probably not me. I'm resolute that what I say here tonight remains merely of what if this happened and life had something else planned for us. Something like which I have described. But that was not ment to be. And I'm happy knowing that we spent all those years since childhood growing up together and seeing each other change into beauitful young men and women, learning from one another and growing in love. I'm not sad for what is over but glad for the memories seared in my heart and mind forever. Of you all I ask is if you keep them memories locked away forever and maybe think of them once in a while but never utter them to your beau. That is our life, our secret and our Love. It’s not to be tarnished it’s never to be talked about from your perspective. I however will tell my friends, my family, my girlfriends whoever they may be, my wife and kids and Grandchildren about you.
I wish that we could go to the theatre watch an American Literature play and take you to dinner at the Opus Radisson Edwardian brasserie & a long drive in my Figaro to a cottage and propose to you. You always asked me how I'd propose and that’s how. I only thought of it afew days ago. I don't want a reaction. A call from a private number addressing me with a thankyou or merely replying to this would be very grateful and expected. Because I can't carry on another day if I fall to your silence because yours is the silence I distaste the most. You are everything to me and you are responsible for God willing my future success. Don't you ever forget me my dearest.
P.S You are the wife that eluded me xXx
