Inspired by a poignant Love Story‏

The Following is from http://lizakane.wordpress.com/2011/04/07/i-carry-your-heart-with-me/#comment-663 Which reads:

Hey Liza,

What a lovely poem to choose for the man you love. I remember when I first read that poem, I yearned to feel that way about someone. And then 6 years ago, that someone walked into my life. He became my best friend, and we were inseparable during medical school – but little did I know, he wasn’t just my best friend, he was my angel. I know this sounds absolutely made up, and sickly sweet…but he actually saved my life. No, not just saving my life by becoming the reason for me to live (that too, actually)…but actually reviving me in a moment where I could not breathe! The whole world around us told us “You two are soulmates! Again, why aren’t you two together?” And we always replied the same way, “What we have is perfect, you can’t enhance perfection – we don’t want to change anything about the way things are!”

But the fact is, we were scared. We’d both been through so many relationships that fell apart, and some were very painful – so we’d both built a wall around ourselves. We’d both become complacent, content with being single. And yet, even in our loneliness, we were together. Years passed, and we denied ourselves anything more than a platonic relationship – continuing to try our hands at relationships with other people, and never succeeding. And then, medical school was over, and we returned to our subsequent hometowns (he to Chicago, and I returned to Los Angeles) – and that’s when we both truly realized each other’s worth. After being apart, and pining for each other, and missing each other for almost two years, I met up with him in Chicago when I went up there for a convention. And just laying there in each other’s arms…I realized, that although there was a wall around my heart, he’d been the only one who I’d allowed access to, within those bounds. He didn’t have to break down the wall…because he was never outside of it. And I turned to him, and told him, ” I love you so much, and I’ll never find someone who loves me like you do – so I guess I’ll never get married!” And he simply turned to me and said, “Well, then marry me!”

I am sharing with you, something that he wrote to me last year in October.

“There is no love, no bond, or connection stronger than what we have. The fact that I get to experience that in my lifetime, the mere thought of it, makes me smile. There is nothing about our relationship which can be said is normal – but knowing both you and myself, that is no surprise. I just wanted to say thank you for allowing me to feel loved so completely, and so wholly accepted. For seeing all that is ugly and never making a face or turning away. I love you Hira, and I thank you for teaching me it’s okay, normal even, to tell people that.

Your best friend, your partner in crime, and forever and always, your vigilant angel,
Adeel Siddiqui”

I share this with you, and anyone who has ever doubted love. I had given up on it, and then there it was. He was just a friend…and now he is my world! I pray, I honestly pray that EVERY ONE is able to experience that – because that feeling is unmatched by any other emotion in the world! 

Inspired by a poignant Love Story‏

Upon reading your humble and heartfelt insight into what I can only describe as a blessing and meeting of hearts, I am inspired to share with you something I never thought about in such clear and vivid detail. You’re subtle and poignant words struck a nerve with me Last Night and I felt helpless. I began writing what a Friendship embarking upon a true and tranquil journey felt like for me. I to this day do not know what possessed me to write such a deep and profound letter of emotional expression to which I can only describe at that point Last February a close friend. Listening back to a voice note I recorded reading that Letter at that moment in time served no purpose. But now I comprehend it was to share it with the future. 

Everything has a reason and a consequence yet I was oblivious to the full extent and impact of writing such a passionately fuelled letter. Things between us back then were difficult. I took advantage of the friendship and used it as a pretext for when I got lonely and bored. I hardly kept in contact through no fault of my own, but now I understand my life isn't exactly plain sailing. I take a breather and envisage how a year has completely changed our friendship. We've both become older, wiser & mature with time. Even though then I didn't understand how one letter to describe my gratitude toward the subject on a completely platonic level would be used as a catalyst to actually describe and discover my deepest kept secret I now fathom. 

I've learnt now that I have completely fallen for her yet I am content because we haven't crossed any boundaries. We've both declared that we dote on one another and hold each other in such high regard. We've confessed that we would Love nothing more than to be together yet haven't committed any physical sin which would entail that we were or will be bound to each other.

They say that when you kiss your souls connect. Yet our souls have already connected on a deeper level. We are in sync intellectually; we understand each other’s needs. Yes there may have been times when we do ache to be held by each other subconsciously. Our hands may collide together; our hair particles may rub off on one another and create a static charge. We can enter into a visceral vortex of invigorating chemistry yet I am not willing to tarnish this friendship and exchange it for a carnal desire. It’s too pure; it’s too meaningful and cathartic to be bloodied by a crime of passion. 

I may have slightly digressed from the subject however I do apologize as this is an account of what is so enriched within me. Your Story has been the spark & ignition to describe the best of relations. To start as friends and End as Lovers. This feeling isn't one born out of an overnight scorn of affection. Much to the contrary. It is patience, perseverance and being at one with each other’s inner self that hath created such a beautiful connection. A meeting of minds, a psychical attraction and an empowering joining of the souls. Enamored souls. You use the word platonic and that may be one way to describe it. Well it was clearly that way Last February. 

We'd spent lots of time together prior to when I wrote her. I clearly liked her but there was no jena se qua. I first came across the infamous feeling of being helpless as I walked her home one evening not so long ago.
Something about her, something so unreal and subtle ate away at me and I could hear myself uttering the most nonsensical nonsense. I was actually trying to explain to myself that falling for this girl whom I consider my best friend would be the undoing of me and the loss of a friendship. Attaining her in a promoted role would be such an uphill battle and one that I would not be willing to come to the forefront for. 

It ate away at me for two weeks. Until forces greater than ourselves drew in and she declared her Love for me. There was certainly something there. It had lingered in my mind without having expressed it; therefore it most certainly was on her mind. 

Looking back now as I haven't met with her nor talked to her much I think crossing the boundaries and starting a relationship would be our downfall. I know she is complete and most probably the best woman I am likely to come across yet I am not willing to try it out and then let go if things become tough. I have too much going on and as a kind gesture I am not prepared to spoil any chance of a future that we may have together. 

In hindsight that birthday Letter may have been the pieces in our jigsaw puzzle that will take time to develop and enrich in Love. I don't know how I uttered such words of delight toward her. Maybe if I bare all I feel my words back then were empty. But that was then and now when I look back, read or hear my token of appreciation I have jitters because I know now that it has been consummated in the most realistic and platonic of ways. 

I wanted to do something special when I wrote to her. I wanted it to impact on her and forgive me of any sin or wronging I may have committed. Was it an unspoken love? An unspoken subconscious feeling which had never come to the fold. Or more fittingly a plantation of what was to come and is impending. So I hope. I wanted to create something romantic. Something bona fide & something unique. So I covered the letter with tea bag and coffee stains and burnt the edges. It had a vintage aged look. We both possess class. She warms my insides and maybe is the one.

To be frank and cavalier I want to see other people. I know you wrote about how you both saw others and wanted to carry on a single life without complications and maybe that is what I want to do. I know how severe and savage relationships can be. I promised myself I would not enter another one. Why spoil what we already have. Have we entangled each other in emotional distress that being with other people would hurt one another? I don't mean going out of my way to find other women but enjoy and materialize with the women I already have in my life whom I have yet to meet, yet share such a great appetite for life with. 

I know what we have is real. I've know her 6 years and we've spent so much time together. Its tangible and I know everything about her. She's local. We mingle in the same social circles. Culture isn't an outcry. I've been let down by girls in the past who were lost causes and have wasted so much time, effort and energy with complete strangers. Yet why is it that I am scared to begin something with someone which I feel can be utopian and go a long way. Is it my age? Is it my inability to carry myself with glorified pride. Or is it because of my considerate nature. I don't want to ever hurt her. Maybe I can't be held down with my best friend and Lovers reliance upon me. Until and unless we share a moment of passion we shall never really know if it is just a feeling born out of dependency and familiar grounds. 

I don't want to sacrifice a friendship for a Boyfriend & girlfriend relationship yet I don't want her to be let down by trolls and foolish guys. I can handle myself when it comes to the women in my life but I know what our species are like and don't want her to get hurt again when I know and feel I am the perfect guy for her. It sounds a lot like a catch-22 and what was at first just a response and a similar kind of pattern into how both Yours and My paths have crossed and become similar I am at war with my desires and my loyalties as a friend. 

The best and most weird feeling here is that we've both talked about the way we feel about each other. We unknowingly looked at the positives and negatives of being together and maybe that is special. We've spent a limited amount of time in passion filled declarations of how we feel about each other and if these conversations were to take place in person holding one another and gazing in each other’s eyes, cheek to cheek without concealing or not confessing how we felt; then there would be a crimson realization.

I feel I'm taking the mature approach because I don't want our Love to suffer a dire and abrupt end. Yes there's magic, sparks, adoration & bliss but the underlying factor is that we are best friends. Last spring I wrote about being with you and toyed with the idea. My words were cold and flat and you certainly deserved more than that. Yet with that scripture already dealt with I feel that spending so much time with you this February for your birthday and then mine has brought us closer. I was shocked that you told me you had a major thing for me for 2 years but never told me. In fact I admire you for telling me now because the feeling is most certainly reciprocated.

I never knew or thought that I'd fall for you. I feel strange now because I'm talking to her through you. I just wandered off on a tangent. Your compelling tale has taught me so much. Your Love is true and I am blessed to be able to share it with you. In this little time I have known you; you have taught me so much. You've touched my life and giving me a paramount sense of courage, belief and hope.

Writing this after deleting my original thought and feeling lackluster about it and actually feeling a physical pain because I will not be able to express this how I originally intended has now passed me by. You said write from the heart and not to exert myself into thinking what I originally wanted and I have followed that advice. I owe u so much. You’ve given me the ability to not be scared of expressing myself through the spoken and written word and sharing it with the world. You've touched me from within and I pay homage to you. Even though you are so far away in miles, across the Atlantic and hidden away from my sight you are truly an amazing being. 

When I first told you about that special one in my life and was honest as to say that she's not mine yet and that's the way we want it I had no idea your story and your experience would have such an impact on me that I'd write back my feelings. Your comment left an open wound. It opened my eyes and taught me the true value of friendship. I just hope we can grown and learn from one another despite you being in LA and I in Manchester. Maybe one day you'll even meet the girl who I christen this letter in the name of. Halima. Wow you both have the same Letter as your first names. I never realized that till just now. Even if we don't end up being together I'll still remember how you gave me a platform to express the meaning of a friendship between a boy and a girl. How it is more special than any other kind of relationship. How it can be Platonic and eternal.

The other Letters and stories I've written don't compare to this. They were in the past and that is where they shall stay. This one is ongoing and in regard to my present and future. One which I hope you shall be a part of and likewise I hope to be a part of your on goings with Mr. Enamored soul.

I shall now bid you adieu in the name of Love, friendship and the meeting of minds. xXx 

18/4/2011 1:47am I just herd this song on Magic 1152 & It touched an intricate nerve within the Soul & I thought I'd Share it as a homage to this Poignant Love Story I wrote.