The Bipolar Souls

After an inspiring and emotional day at the Manic Depressive Fellowship conference, hearing, seeing and meeting such wonderful people with Bipolar ( I had not met anyone with the condition since my diagnosis in 2006 & only joined Manic Depressive Fellowship in April) I was deeply touched. On the way home to Manchester on the train something from within inspired me to write my thoughts of the day and the future of Bipolar for each and every single one of us. I have entitled it: The Bipolar Souls 

Something strange and beautiful is happening. A veil is being lifted. The veneer of this condition I once ridiclued as a disease is no more. It is a blessing in the most bejewelled of disguises. What I viewed as my complete failure at attempting to fulfil a successful life has now been set right. Justice has been restored. Meeting such gifted, warm and tender people has hit a very fine nerve ending that goes from the human mind to the human heart. Not just any human heart but ones of a special kind. You could use the term bipolar souls. Such divine and intricate people, so elegantly poised who possess something unique & refined. They have the most eloquent of qualities and on their faces remains etched a story each personal to their own hearts and minds.

When they utter their subsequent plight as to what led them to such a dark place you only have to see with your heart because your heart is the eyes to the soul. Their soul. Our soul. The bipolar soul. What led me to solitude and seldom peace, what black disease marred my soul is now a thing of the past. For now I see beyond the dark days. The dog days are now over...I..I hope yet I learnt today that there is no cure..no magical pill so for now restoring my mind to its previous state of stability is a thought left pondering without.

Today of all days..today the day I craved for, for the past 5 years became real. Understanding, knowledge and wisdom can only be attained when the time is right. Think of it like a Rite of the bipolar passage. Living and loving a 'normal' life of 17 years and having that snatched away from you and never being restored ever again was a bleak propsition and a reality I have lived but the light of joy and prospertity which grows into maturity and accpetance of the condition with a deeper understanding, one that I never had with full insight has finally shone through even though I wrote about it in a previous post.

Because this is my first taste of finally accepting I have Bipolar through learning I am no longer on my own, it gives me great hope and peace of mind. Something I never thought I'd ever attain. Nevertheless I find now that I must try to come out of my rut of self pity and neglect, the great depression and untimly highs and try my hand at implementing self management and mindfulness techniques to take away some of the burden this condition brings. There's a long road ahead and I hope we can all travel and join hands together as we cross this bridge.  

I once wrote......

I once wrote about friendship, love, & what it feels like to be loved and give love. Yet I rarely envisaged myself finding something so pure. I embarked upon a journey of self discovery & on this epic travel through the vast vicinity of time and space I discovered you. The you I write of has no connection with any other tale I told the world about. They were just precious detail to me that I had to note down in order to save myself from myself. Life dealt me my first blow in terms of passion, betrayal all in the name of what you call love. It cheated me, she cheated me yet without such a harsh, draconian lesson I wouldn't be here today. Friendships became stale and what you call the rites of passage prevailed and I had lost that dear friendship I have named the wife that eluded me. You see life, love and laughter are god given rights to mankind. They come with ups and downs. Some people lay their life down for such courses. Some are worthy and sacred of course. Yet this life, my life as I see it now on this breezy blue sky morning has led me from trepidation to reality.

Things have a way of working themselves out. It isn't me who planned out every intricate detail of living and prepared me for what I will face or hope for. I am just a man with a good heart and intent. I want to be successful in all aspect of life yet to do that I've gone through and will go through the toughest tests of character. Things don't happen by accident. It wasn't by accident that I met her, warmed to her and felt at peace with her. I didn't fall for her upon 'first sight'. There was no niggling factor which I face today. Five strong years. From My epic breakdown only to be carried and brought back to life in an instance. I'm afraid of falling in love again. The love I experienced was nothing like this. That was magic and carefree. Although it hurt me it made me stronger yet in a way has crippled my ability to attach myself to something pure and a god given sign.

I've acted out my worldly desires in a short space of time. Yet why is it that I won't allow myself to be with you? I do dote on you, I care about you and don't ever want to let you down. I just won't allow myself to fall in love with you. Falling for someone Is easy I've played that game before, but it took me 5 years with you and when I felt a chain reaction I felt something...something true. I've never felt so at one with life , beauty and nature like the way I felt for you in that moment. It was like we'd known each other all our lives (which we do) but similar to how it is when you meet someone for the first time. It was love at first sight, our first chemical romance moment lingering yet I am so afraid to test that time bomb again.

I've known you for all my adult life and why was it that when I was sat with you your head touched mine, your hair brushed mine and your hands joined mine that there was a spark. Is it convenience, is it true. Feelings locked away in a subconscious realm that can only be accessed when the time is right. Was that a sign of a connection deeply embroiled in a century of friendship? They say you should learn from your own mistakes...but I learn from others mistakes so giving this friendship another meaning would rid me of a life of pain suffering and hurt. Only because I have been given a gift, So delicately poised & wrapped, pastel colored and oozing in aromatic bliss. You can't choose who u fall for. You can't choose who you befriend. If we did we would be so indecisive with who to trust and who is right for us? The fact is I didn't choose you nor did you choose me. I was given you and somehow you crept into my heart and set off something so pure that I cannot bring myself to act upon it.

I'm scared. Scared of losing you, scared of not being able to give you a life that you long for. I'm most afraid of resting my baggage upon your shoulders because I've been taught a lesson...never to depend on anyone because of disappointment. Where does that fit into the psyche of marriage? Isn't that an act of worship where upon you both depend on each other and build a life. If I am afraid of that then why do I see myself with you? You complete me. But I don't complete you because I want a taste of ecstasy. You want a life of marriage I want to delay that life and that is why I disregard falling in love with you. Love is a feeling so real that it can take you on a journey beyond time and space. It can send you to the higher levels of insanity and is potent because one drop can delude the human mind because it is felt by the heart. I felt that with you but the power of it was too much for me to even want to think about so I put a mind block on it. I can't say I blocked it out with my heart because it is enriched within my soul.

Things you do, things you say trigger responses and feelings that if I let myself, I can't control because it sends me in a place I've never been before. You touched my life and I yours but will I ever be able to repay you for that moment. you said on that cold summer night that say yes...be with me....make a life with me...try and let go of your negative detail about how were not ready and that we should carry on life as normal, as close friends like we have been for all those years without complicating and entangling our lives as one but don't you see???... I'm looking at the wider picture. Spontaneity is my forte but if that means getting involved romantically then I'm afraid we'd be doing more harm than good. I can't bring myself to say it but you are my soul mate. I feel it, I see it, I read it and I write it.

In hindsight, When I wrote you last spring even though feelings hadn't been submitted nor felt I wrote to you what it was like to have you in my life as a friend. If you told me one year on it would be a lot more than, I would never have believed you. Firstly because I am a gentlemen and it is not my nature too mix friendship with pleasure. And secondly, because I didn't feel that way inclined. Because my intentions were right...forces beyond our control somehow planted seeds of delight in our lives. one year on we've both been honest about how a month of interacting like we've never done before maybe because we were too blind to believe we could ever be compatible…has left us yearning to take the plunge and embark upon a relationship. I ask you again..why should we have that when what we already have is special and has been for all them years.

We've never really fell out nor have we ever really be romantically linked. Some strange desires which are only felt by my heart towards you make me yearn for your touch, for your smile and for your eyes to meet mine in a moment of pure craziness and for our souls to unite as one and touch my God given right. I don't know…. I really don't. Mainly because once that happens we won't be friends anymore. We shall enter into an unknown world. The years of getting to know you will be dissolved and seared into our souls because you would become my existence. It's not something I take lightly, but for God’s sake my heart is already beating just that bit faster and my body shivers’ as I concoct these words.

There not for you or for any being. I write not to woo you because I think I've already done that. I write for me. I need to ask myself how I really feel about you no matter how much I deny it to the world and me. Do I love you? I feel something. Do I know you? Yes I do. Do you know me? Yes you do. Do I see a future with you? Yes I do. Do I think about you? Yes I do in song & in Art. So why on earth have I filled out myself denial questionnaire in the most positive of ways yet still won't say that I want you and to give things a go. If only we could have the best of both. You’d be my best friend and soul mate and my embodiment. Why do feelings that make us psychically ache for one another like it is an illness without cure get in the way of a sordid, spontaneous wild affair without attachment? Is it because I have fallen in love with you.

I'm a helpless romantic. I want to take you by the hand and profess the way I feel about you to d world. We've been on romantic dinners, trips to the theatre and beyond. Why am I afraid to look you in the eyes and kiss you with my eyes closed and feel something utopian. Fine go…..go be with someone else, I'll get over you because I never allowed myself to be fooled by emotional drama. I hang on tenterhooks as I write that because I'm walking a tightrope. Simply because if I let you go then I will always ache for you to be in my life as a friend and you won't be there. you said it yourself..I won't wait for you... I don't want to live a life of longing and looking back at what we could have had. two best friends falling for another gradually when it became right a 5 year process.

By me writing this I'm answering the questions in my own mind. If it took us that long to realize then why would waiting another four years impact anything. If I'm still the same person then so would you be. you'd be so much  better. You are all the women in the world for me. I don't see us breaking what we have which Is a mutual friendship...it can only be built upon and form as a rock. And you can't break a rock so easily. I don't want to talk about this anymore. I wasn't meant to write this but that phone call made me realize that you are the one. Not on a romantic level because that is there. I mean on a foundation where I would want to spend the rest of my life on. Were young too young to be considering acts of being married. We need to take small steps. No commitments, no heartbreak or ache, no living in each other’s pockets and no strings attached. We have to test the waters and if this is what I feel it is...true love for the sake of the lord who hath brought us together and crossed our paths then I'd be willing to give it a try on the basis that knowingly deep within my thoughts and feelings is spending the rest of my life with you. If that's not the case then at least we tried and will remain friends and find what we thought we found in one another, in somewhere else because the beauty of love is that its universal. I believe in Love.